lover boy

part seventeen

my eyes water seeing it. i know what's bound to happen and i don't know how to stop it. i need to stop this.

"what's going on?" nick asks me as we pull into the driveway.

a white van is in awaiting me. two large men are standing with nicks mom and a stretcher is also there.

"i'm sorry nick." i sigh.

we both walk out of the bus and they put me in handcuffs and onto the stretcher. i can't read what nicks face is saying. he looks upset and mad and confused. he's probably all of it.

the handcuffs hurt my wrist i used to punch alexis in the face with. they're is a woman sitting down next to the stretcher they laid me on. "hi millie." shes smiling at me. i don't respond to her. "im sorry to get you like this." shes still smiling, "you're going to the institution." she sounds almost happy that i'm about to be at my worst. i wish nick was here.

we arrive to the institution after driving an hour and a half. i have tears running down my face but most of them are old, i can't move my hands. the two men escort me to the 'cleaning room'. it's really just a women telling me to take my clothes off and then and checks to see if i have any weapons on me.

"here's your gown." she hands me a white gown that has blue details on it. it's a little bit different than the hospital gowns because it covers your butt unlike the hospital one does. it's still uncomfortable and feels like paper. "you'll get more comfortable clothes when we see fit." she walks away. 'when we see fit'  this is so stupid. the two men greet me again and show me my new room.

"normally you'd get someone with you but there's  no need." the taller bald one shut the door. i look around at my new room. there's a toilet, a sink, a plastic mirror and a bed. i sit on the bed, it's not very comfortable but it could be worse. this is prison. my body is distorted in the mirror. i rinse my makeup off. the walls are a yellowish white and the floors are carpeted. it's cold in here. i lie on my new bed. they didn't let me keep any of my hair ties. i can't sleep without my hair up. i roll over to my back. theres a camera watching my every move. every blink. every breath. every single thing.

i've been inside of this room for four hours. i can't sleep. i don't know what time it is and the little window they gave me is hard to see out of. it's covered with bars so no one could escape. i wouldn't escape. i hate it here but i wouldn't escape. this is miserable. my chest hurts worse than before. i'm used to sleeping with nick every night that now i'm not i can't even close my eyes. i can't cry or move. the lights are still on. i hear keys clanking and my door opening.

"miss rogan?" a woman says. she seems nice. her eyes are light blue and she has blonde hair. "it's time for your medication." she hands out a paper cup filled with water and six pill capsules. i swallow all of them and i drink the water. this is not the time to show her my talent of swallowing pill without water. "can i see?" i stick out my tongue so that she can see my mouth and that there's nothing else in there. "thank you." she smiles at me and leaves. my eyes start to fall. i'm not tired. before i can even realize that i'm falling asleep i'm sleeping. i don't want to wake up though. not in a suicidal way or anything, i just don't want to deal with everything that tomorrow in tales.

my eyes open they're swollen and red. "rise and shine!" the woman that sat with me on the way here awakes me. "we do activities throughout the day. we also have therapy." shes so happy it's concerning. i nod and get up. i yawn as i look through the windows. there's people drawing and watching t.v, there's ages all over. the woman is showing me all the rooms and what everyone is doing. "you're going to go to group therapy first. there's all new people here." she turns around to face me and smiles. "my name is mrs linda, im your friend in here!" she smiles. she is not my friend.

a group of about eight people are all sitting in a circle. "hello! are you joining us?" a man with a mustache and dark hair waves at me. i sit down on the floor with everyone else.

"what's your name?" he grabs his pen and his clipboard and starts to write.

"uh, millie?" and get myself situated.

"ooh, american!" he laughs. everyone whispers. "why're you here?" he asks me. i have no idea why i'm here?! maybe because i decided to take some medicine which made everyone think i'm insane and put me into therapy which now i'm the most miserable i've even been?!

"i dunno." i shrug.

"that's alright. are you adjusting to being here?" he writes on his clipboard.

"um, yeah?" i lie.

"great! so we're going to be just talking about our experiences okay?" he looks around at all of the kids. i nod. 

everyone sat around and talked about their experience here and how they're feeling. i stayed silent the entire time. "oh, it's twelve! time to go, millie?" everyone gets up and leaves. "millie, you know for this whole thing to work you're going to have to talk and be here." he smiles and puts his hand on my shoulder. "....im sorry." i say. "it's okay, i know that you probably want to leave and i just want to help. you can talk to me about anything. thats why im here." he smiles. i nod and leave.

i don't know where to go next. he's right, i don't want to be here at all. i go to the room where everyone's watching a movie, it's toy story right now. i sit on the couch and i sketch with a crayon. they don't even give us pencils. another man is sitting in a reception area watching over us. as if the cameras don't all ready do that.

a phone rings and he picks it up. "okay....mhm...... alright." he hangs up. "millie rogan?" i stand up and walk to him. "you have a visitor." the same bald man that brought me to my room comes up behind me and escorts me to the 'visitation room'. he stands by the door when i walk in. there's people all over in little tables talking. i scan the room, trying to find someone i recognize. nick. nicks here. i didn't think about what to tell him when i saw him. i didn't think i'd see him so soon.  he's standing with his hands in his pockets and he's giving me a reassuring smile.  i run up and hug him. he kisses me on the head and we sit down.

"what's going on?" he asks me, holding me hand.

i hold back the tears that want to burst out. "um...i dunno. they've been calling me." my lip quivers a bit. "i was going to tell you that day. i thought they'd at least give me a day."

"it's okay." he squeezes my hand. "i've been texting you."

"i'm sorry, they took everything. they wouldn't even let me have my hair tie."

he's staring at me intently. "how are you?"

absolutely horrible. "i've been better." i shrug. "i want to leave."

"im sure!" he laughs a bit.

"they're making me take six pills every morning and every night." the shakiness in my voice clears. "i really do hate it here."

"ive been trying to see how i could get you out but they said it depends on you." nicks face looks stressed.

"i'm sorry." i say.

"there's no need to say sorry."

"times up!" a voice from behind us shouts. his face drops. "bye!" he says. i wave and walk back.

i walk to my room. i lie on my back. i stay in my room for the rest of the day. the light dim a little bit. i focus on my breathing. the girl from last night come in every three hours. "what time is it?" i ask her. it's the first time i've spoken to her from these past two days. "it is...2:40 in the morning." she says, walking out of my door. my stomach hurts. i can't breathe. the camera will see i'm having a panic attack and put me in restraints. one of the kids from earlier was talking about it. i roll on my side, away from the camera that's watching me and i continue with the panic attack. i try to stop it but my thoughts keep pouring in. this is seriously awful. who on earth would create this? i miss nick, i miss his dog, i miss school, i miss sleeping with nick, i miss nicks mom, i miss being myself, i miss my life.