lover boy

part thirty six

i pace around the room trying to decide whether or not that was the worst decision of my life or not. nicks watching me, he probably thinks i'm going to jump out of the window, i wish i could right now.

charlie: typing..
charlie:
charlie: typing..
charlie: what is it?

"he said 'what is it?' what should i say?" i ask nick. he's a bit stunned and i don't think he knows what to do. i look at my phone and i want to throw it.

millie: nick is my ex that broke up with me that one night, i don't want to break you guys up because you're so happy but i wanted to tell and because i love you and you're my best friend but he was also my best friend and i don't want this to ruin every thing x

i press the send button and sit on the floor. nick grabs my phone and reads the message i just sent. he looks up and sets my phone back down next to me.

"why is it like this?" i say.

"i dunno. it's really annoying though." nick replies.

"do you ever wish you hadn't met me?" i ask him.

he sits up and just looks at me. "what?" he says.

"do you?"

"no?" he looks concerned.

i lie back down and i wait for my phone to ding, it doesn't. a few minutes later i hear knocking on my door. "millie!" charlie says over the knocking, "millie it's me, please open the door!" nick gets back in the closet and i open the door. charlie looks worried. "hi." i say, somewhat quietly. "hey." he says, also somewhat quietly. "im sorry." my voice is shaky and my hands are trembling. i sit on the bed so i don't begin to cry and he sits down next to me. "what's going on?" he sounds kind of cautious. i sigh and begin the story of what happened, forgetting nick can hear everything. "i don't know, im still in love with him.. i feel awful about it but i can't help it. you're my best friend too." i pause to look at him. "i guess he saved me so many times i just can't try and unlove him." charlies nodding at everything i say. "im constantly surrounded and reminded of him, i can't get away no matter what i do." charlie grabs my hand, i think he's going to say something but he doesn't. we sit there in silence for a while. "i get it." charlie finally says. he doesn't get it. i feel like absolute no one understands it and it's making me crazy. "i love him too." charlie sighs. "what're we going to do?" i feel like breaking down in tears. charlie shrugs.

everything is still.nothings happening, no one's moving, i can't tell if anyones even breathing. the moments of nothing were kind of peaceful. i turn my head towards charlie. he's not moving. i wait for him to say something to me and he doesn't. no one's saying anything. i squeeze his hand and he doesn't respond. i stand up and look around, nothings moving. i'm in absolute nothingness right now. i open the closet and nicks not moving either. "nick." i say. nothing. i look in the mirror and there's no reflection. i run outside my room, people carrying boxes and people talking are still. oh my god. i try to find tao, hes in his room on his laptop. he's watching a frozen you tube video. i'm stuck. i don't know what to do. i'm frozen in time and i'm alone. helpless and alone.

i suddenly feel tension in my chest. sharp tension. i close my eyes, when i open them everything's still black. i try to move and i'm not moving. the tension in my chest is stronger until i'm unconscious. i'm gone? literally what happened. i was having a conversation and now im stuck in darkness. i give up. i don't try to fight whatever's happening because it's useless. everything is useless and i give up.