Luscious Man Series 2: Jian Cyrus Salazar

KABANATA 42

It was a long drive of healing. This is really therapeutic but it was really tiring.

After almost a year of my therapies, I found myself again. Fighting the battle. Fighting the demons inside me. Fighting the illness depression have caused me.

At first, I don't want to talk to anyone and always seeing my baby . . . smiling at me sweetly. Her angelic face had always got me. Her smile . . . resembled me of someone's smile. And then that smile will sometimes be demonic and frightened me.

That was the time I decided to take psychological treatment.

Pinagtiyagaan nila ako kahit na madalas ay tinititigan ko lang sila at hindi pinapansin. Wala akong maganda at maayos na tulog sa loob ng halos tatlo o apat na buwan. Madalas pa rin akong natutulala at iniisip ang lahat ng nangyari noon.

Everything feels so surreal.

Parang kailan lang, ang saya-saya ko pa kasama si Cyrus. Angs saya ko sa trabaho. Maayos ang pangangatawan ko. Lahat. Kontento ako sa kung ano man ang meron ako. Not until that nightmare came and caused me to lose my sanity.

And here I am now, standing again, fighting.

"Anak," napatingin ako sa pintuan at nakita si Papa na seryosong nakatingin sa akin.

He was the one who never left my side even I saw how demonic his face is. Because of hallucination. He never gave up until I was treated well. Ibinuhos niya ang oras at panahon niya sa akin sa tatlong buwan na 'yon, unang tatlong buwan na nagpapagaling ako. He almost lost his job because of my state. Kahit gusto kong sabihin sa kaniya na h'wag niya na akong intindihin ay hindi ko masabi. Nawawalan ako ng lakas ng loob at boses sa tuwing sinusubukan kong sabihin sa kaniya 'yon. My mind keeps on telling me what to say but my mouth says otherwise.

At least he keep his job while keeping me sane.

When I am drowning myself into those nightmares I had, he's always there to save me from drowning. He's always saving me and keeping me alive, just like before. He's there to take care of me, he's always there to make me smile, he's always there to give an advice to me whenever I need it, he's always there when I am down to cheer me up. He was the father I have before. I felt it again.

Kaya totoo nga na kahit anong galit o tampo mo sa magulang mo ay babalik ka sa kanila upang humingi ng tulong. Dahil kahit pagbali-baliktaran mo man ang mundo, magulang mo pa rin sila. Hindi ka nila kailan man tatalikuran. Hindi ka nila kailan man huhusgahan. Alam kong hindi pare-pareho ang mga magulang, but I am thankful to have a father like him beside me. Because I need him more than anything else in this darkness. He was a light to me, like God in my life.

"Hindi ka pa ba gutom?" Tumingin ako sa orasan at nakitang maaga pa para sa hapunan.

"Maaga pa naman po, Pa." ngumiti ako sa kaniya bago tuminging muli sa bukas na bintana.

Makulimlim ngayon sa labas at mukhang mamaya ay uulan. Sa tuwing umuulan ay nalulungkot ako. Kasi ang lamig, walang yayakap sa akin, wala akong makakausap habang nagpapatila ng ulan. It's almost summer this year, but there's still a storm coming.

"Tinatanong lang kita ng maaga para kung sakaling gutom ka na ay dadalhin ko na lang dito ang pagkain mo o kaya ay bumaba ka na lang." Tumingin ako sa kaniya at tumango bilang sagot.

Lumapit siya sa aking kama at umupo sa tabi ko at hinaplos ang aking buhok nang marahan.

"Ang sabi ng doktor mo, malaki ang improvement mo sa bawat session nitong mga nakaraang buwan. Hindi gaya noon na hindi ka talaga nila makausap dahil ako lang ang binibigyan mo ng pribelehiyong kausapin ka." Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at marahang minasahe 'yon. "Nandito lang si Papa, anak. Hindi kita pababayaan. Kahit pa matanggal ako sa trabaho basta masamahan lang kita sa bawat session mo, ayos lang sa akin."