Luscious Man Series 2: Jian Cyrus Salazar

KABANATA 3

Why someone can find new one after another? How they can find that new one if they're still. . . mourning? Mourning means you're still in pain after a painful battle. . . after leaving behind by someone you treasure and loved. But. . . how could they. . . look for someone to rely on after that tragedy?

It still confusing me. Why my father find someone that easily to be with him after my mother died. Is he planning this after all? Did he really love my mother? Did he really mourn after my mother lost? Did he really. . . treasure us? Did he really accept the fact that my mother is already gone and will not comeback anytime soon? Is he thinking of me. . . if he had a time? Is he. . . missing me like I do?

Nakakalungkot isipin na kahit anong tanong ko sa sarili ko ay walang makakasagot no'n. Kahit anong pagkakuryoso ko ay walang makakasagot do'n. Nakakainis isipin na kahit anong pilit kong intindihin ang parte ng tatay ko ay nasasaktan pa rin ako.

He left me without a word or even an assurance that he will come back to me after gaining a salary in his work. He left me behind like my mother did to us. He left me wounded in our past.

Kaya siguro hindi niya akong magawang sisihin dahil alam niyang may kasalanan siya. Hindi niya magawang magalit sa akin dahil. . . alam niyang mali ang ginawa niya.

He made a family of his own while I'm here. . . waiting for him to came back. . . hug me tight like he always do and give me an assurance that everything will be okay even I don't have a mother anymore. He made a family of his own without me knowing it. Kung hindi lang sinabi nina Tita sa akin ay hindi ko 'yon malalaman.

And now. . . he's here. Asking me for his forgiveness after what he have done to me for years. He's here to tell me that he wants me to be with him. He's here to get me and be with him instead.

I can't.

I still can't because I'm studying here. I can't just change my environment because he say so. Alam kong tatay ko pa rin siya pero mas gusto kong ako ang magdesisyon sa buhay ko. I already had a plan in my life. That I will study here in Manila, find a job here in Manila, after gaining my third salary I will leave this house with my Uncle and Aunt's permission, and live my life alone like I always do.

Alam na nina Tita at Tito ang plano ko. Matagal na nilang alam 'yon at hinihintay lang rin nilang makagraduate ako ng college bago ako payagang bumukod sa kanila. Hindi naman sila tutol dahil kung 'yon daw ang gusto ko, wala na silang magagawa at susuportahan na lang ako.

Narito kami ngayon ni papa sa loob ng kuwarto ko para mag-usap. Kinukumbinsi akong sumama sa kaniya sa Iloilo para daw makasama ko siya doon at makilala ko ang bago niyang asawa at anak.

"Anak, mas maalalagaan kita doon." Agad na nagsalubong ang mga kilay ko sa sinabi ni papa.

Bakit, hindi ba ako naalagaan nina Tita at Tito rito sa Maynila? Hindi ba niya nakikitang maayos naman ako? Oo, magaspang ang pakikitungo sa akin ng pinsan ko pero hindi naman ang mga tiyuhin at tiyahin ko. Naging mabait sila sa akin at maalaga kaya bakit parang mas sinasabi niyang mas maalagaan niya ako kaysa kina Tito at Tita?

Napatiim labi ako bago sumagot, "mas ayos nang dito ako, pa. Mas mapagtutunan mo ng pansin ang. . . kapatid ko doon." Nahirapan pa akong banggitin 'yon.

Tanggap ko naman. At wala naman na akong ibang magagawa dahil kahit pagbali-baligtarin man ang mundo, kapatid ko 'yon sa ama. At wala naman siyang kasalanan sa akin para hindi ko tanggapin.

Napabuntong hininga si papa, "alam ko namang inaaway ka ng pinsan mo rito. Ayaw mo ba talagang sa akin sumama? Ibibigay ko ang lahat sa 'yo, anak. Maganda na ang trabaho ko dahil sekretarya na ako sa isang kumpanya sa Iloilo. Maganda na ang sahod ko, nakakapag-ipon na ako, maibibigay ko na sa 'yo ang mga gusto mo. Gusto ko lang. . . na bumalik sa akin. 'Yong dating si Mio na malambing sa akin. Sige na, anak. Pagbigyan mo na si papa mo. Miss na miss na kita, anak. Miss na miss ko na kayo ng mama mo."