Synching With the Devil's Son

Chapter 79

Bella's P.O.V.

What the Hell is going on here? Lucien is basically proposing to me...well, not exactly like a marriage proposal, but he wants to spend all of eternity with me? HE wants to be worthy of ME? He's an angel, how can he believe he's not worthy of me? He's worried about me leaving him like his mother did? I thought she died of natural causes? I'm confused, but his words, said so earnestly and honestly, make me happy. I want him too, and I guess now is as good a time as any to tell him.

"Lucien," I start, caressing his face. "In what dimension do you think you're not worthy of me? The fact you want be with me at all is a miracle I'm still trying to decipher." He shakes his head, ready to say something, but I don't let him. "I built walls around myself to keep people away from me, and with one kick, you crumbled them and showed me I don't need to be afraid anymore. You helped me in ways I didn't know I needed, or ever thought was possible. You don't need to prove your feelings are real, I know they are by your actions. I love you, for helping me and supporting me when you could have easily tossed me aside to deal with all my baggage on my own. I love you for being you." When I finish talking, Lucien crushes me in his embrace.

"I'm sorry I'm putting all this pressure on you," he cries softly. "I asked my Dad what he did to make my Mom leave us, but he didn't have an answer. Please tell me if I do something to make you angry or...or anything that might make you change how you feel about me. Promise me you will talk to me no matter how you think I'll react and I'll promise you the same, okay?"

"I promise," I tell him, softly stroking his face. "I don't understand though, I thought you said your mother passed away."

He pulls back and looks in my eyes. "She did, and she chose to stay in Heaven instead of coming back to us."

My eyes widen, and I trace the outline of his face. "No!" I say incredulously. He nods. "Oh Lucien," I say, pulling him back into a fierce hug. My mother died, but she didn't have a choice to come back to us. I know she would have if she could have. Lucien's Mom chose Heaven over his Dad and, more importantly, over him. "I'm so sorry." I hold him a little longer then pull back to look into his eyes. "I promise you will know right away if you do something to upset me," I tell him, staring into his eyes to assure him the validity of my statement.

"I don't deserve you," he says quietly. "My father told me to take it slow, but I couldn't. I probably would have burst at the seams if I went another day without telling you how I feel."

I laugh lightly. "You are such a little boy sometimes," I tell him, stroking his face gently.

He chuckles. "I haven't been a little boy in four hundred years...it sounds weird when I say that out loud, but I've never felt like this before." He's quiet for a moment, thinking. "My Dad has been around since the beginning of time but he didn't come across his soul mate until the early 1600's. I feel incredibly fortunate I found you when I did."

Suddenly I feel a little claustrophobic. Lucien wants to be with me 24/7/365...am I ready to handle that? The answer is hard to get my head around. I love him, without a doubt, and after just one week he's convinced me we are soul mates who are destined to be together. But how do I tell him I also need space? A place to breathe, to stumble and make mistakes. I don't want him solving all my problems, even though I know he could, because then I'd rely too heavily on his expertise and wisdom instead of finding my own path. I need to tell him what I am thinking and not sit here being a coward, I just promised him I would.

"You know what?" I ask him as my heart begins to race. "I'm so flattered that you want me and you're thinking long term here, but I need to get my shit together before I can share it with any body else." I see him deflate a little, so I forge ahead with what I want to say. "You are amazing, Lucien, and I want to be with you too, but I've barely been with myself, so how can I be a person's other half when I'm not even a quarter of who I want to be?" That's a weird way of saying what I want to say, but I think he gets it, because he nods in understanding.

"I'm not who I want to be yet either. Maybe we can grow into ourselves together?" he suggest with hope in his eyes.

How do I say no to that? "Deal," I say sticking out my hand. He takes it and kisses the back of it.

When he looks down at me through hooded eyes, he asks quietly, "Do you think you are done studying for the day?"

Ohh boy, I like the direction this conversation is taking, and I nod eagerly.