Bucky. That's all Steve wanted and needed in his life. Before the war, during, and even after, all Steve wanted was his solider. His Bucky.
After the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D. Steve kept trying to find Bucky to bring him home. Everyone was against this...
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It has been two weeks since I fought those guys. Who am I? What year is it? Why did that guy look so familiar to me?
I place a hat on my head and walk into the Museum. While I am walking around, I stumble into the Captain America exhibit. As I walk around I see pictures of Steve Rogers. When I see him, some memories start flashing in my head.
Saving his dumbass from fights he picked, fighting together in the war, and us being closer than friends? Were we a couple? Thinking about him like that made me have this weird fluttering feeling in my chest.
No. No. I cannot do this. I cannot get close to him. I am dangerous. I am a monster. I could kill him again and thinking about that causes me so much pain.
I continue walking through the visit and come across a section of pictures of what looked like me. Is that me? I continue reading on.
Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. Born March 10, 1917. Friends with Steven Grant Rogers since childhood on the playgrounds. Part of the 107th infantry and Howling Commandos.
Reading all of this and getting some memories back have started causing my head to hurt. I quickly leave the museum and walk around. I wasn't paying attention and ended up at Steve's apartment complex. I heard two voices speaking.
"Alright Steve, you good now? All settled in?" The voice asked.
"Yeah Sam I am good now. I just need time alone." Steve says.
"I know. Listen it will be okay. I know you miss him man." I am assuming Sam says.
"Sam I will keep missing him until I find him and bring him home. But I'm also so scared he won't want to come home. Or if he will even remember me. The love of my life has been tortured for decades because I couldn't save him from falling from that fucking train! This is all my fault. It's all my fault and the least I could do is try and find him and maybe help him remember." Steve says.
When he says those words to Sam my heart ached because he was blaming what happened to me on himself.
"Steve you need some sleep okay? Take some time for yourself and call if you need anything okay?" Sam says walking closer to the door.
I quickly hid myself so he wouldn't see me when he came out. As he left, I left as well and went to hiding point to watch Steve. I could see him perfectly.
He was sitting on the couch with a picture in his hand. I couldn't see what it was. Thanks to my enhanced hearing, I was able to pick up what he started mumbling.
"It's not fair. He didn't deserve this. My sweet Bucky didn't deserve this. I am so sorry I failed you baby. I'm so sorry." he says
After a few minutes, I could tell by his body language he was getting angry and pissed.
All of a sudden Steve stands up and starts screaming and throwing stuff everywhere.
"ITS NOT FAIR!! ITS ALL MY FAULT, ITS ALL MY FAULT" he screams as his voice breaks and he falls down onto his knees sobbing.
"Bucky I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I wasn't good enough to save you and it's all my fault. Baby I'm so sorry. Please come back to me. Please baby. I need you, I need you so bad it hurts." he kept repeating while sobbing.
This is breaking my heart seeing him like this and hearing it. How could he be the blame for this? He didn't take me to Hydra? Hydra did. I kept watching the apartment and saw he eventually fell asleep on the floor.
I checked all my surroundings and slowly made my way inside his apartment. I didn't want him sleeping on the floor.
I carefully picked him up without waking him but he curled into me and started whimpering. "Bucky...baby I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry". I froze in fear of him waking up. When I looked down I saw he was still asleep.
It was breaking my heart seeing him like this and it made me want to stay but I couldn't. He wasn't safe around me. As I laid him down and covered him up, I decided to place a soft kiss on his head.
I made my way out into the living room and found a couple sketch books on the table and started looking through them.
Over half of them in first sketch book where of us together or me. I picked up the smaller sketch book/journal and found more intimate drawings of us and me. I also saw writing entry's. I decided to take the book with me in hopes it would help me remember.
Hopefully he doesn't miss it. I take one last glance at him in the bed room then forced myself to leave. As much as it hurt leaving him I needed to stay away from him.
I may never see him again but at least I'll have the memories once they recover.
Time skip Over the next month I tried staying away but I couldn't. I would spend most evenings and nights watching him in his apartment windows.
I know I know it's super creepy. But I can't stay away but I also can't go there. Over this past month Steve barely left his apartment. He was slowly falling into a depression.
I would always hear him talking to himself about me and wanting me back. If only I was good enough for him. But I'm not. I'm just a pure murderous monster and he doesn't deserve that.
Tonight was a rough night. I dreamed of falling of the train and getting dragged into Hydra. The torture, the arm surgery, the brainwashing, the killings, and more.
I was physically, mentally, and emotionally broken. Unfixable. A waste of space. Undeserving of love or forgiveness.
That's all I know. That's all I will ever know.
But I can settle for what we had before Hydra. That will be enough for me.
