I expressed my grief through suicide attempts hoping that one day, maybe in another timeline, I would get rid of the curse that was causing everyone to leave me.
It felt lonely and, to be honest, I fully believed my life was done for. However, a st...
No matter how many times I tried to forget about the events yesterday, I couldn't. It was so embarrassing.
God, how much it made me want to bury myself six feet deep.
Overthinking will only make you feel worse.
Agreeing with the voice in my head, I sat down in bed, now scrolling on my phone. Seeing nothing but everything, I opened Instagram.
An app that wasn't useful for me at all because I wasn't a person who was constantly checking it.
I barely opened that app. I never posted and I only followed my brother, who wasn't following me back.
My life was really boring. The first day of school was right around the corner, starting soon. I wasn't prepared of meeting new people and seeing unknown faces.
Doing my homework was never really my thing either, I had no motivation to study or do anything of that nature.
Sighing, I kept on scrolling for a while, till I saw a post that caught my eye. It was a dog, a bichon frise.
@seouladoptioncenter
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299 likes @seouladoptioncenter putting him up for adoption. He is around 4 months old. Contact us at seouladoptioncenter@gmail.com for more details.
I wanted a dog. Should I ask my brother to adopt him? No, that would be a bad idea.
But I really want him..Should I just get him without my brother knowing?
You know what, fuck it. You only live once, so why not!I thought as the 'YOLO' motto flashed back. I was going to contact them tomorrow and make sure my brother wouldn't find out so soon.
I put my phone aside and stared at the blank ceiling. I was, most likely, going to have a dog! Nervousness filled my body.
Just thinking about it made me more and more agitated in a good way. The way I'd walk him every day, even though that meant I had to leave the house. But anything for a dog!
A puppy was something I have always wished for. Right now, it was a need, not a wish anymore. It would help me, a lot.
I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't know why I felt this way, was there really any reason for me to be sad? Yeah, my parents basically vanished, but someone else could be going through something worse than this, so why was I overreacting like this?
Jisung, dear, would you like to meet a specialist? Someone you could talk to. I know you're still young, but at least try it, they could help you.
Everyone thought there was something wrong with the way I behaved. I never understood why, I was just like everyone else, a normal boy.
They tried putting me in therapy. My grandparents, after their own children went missing. I rejected it.
I opened the window, looking at the stars. As a kid, I would always stargaze with my friend. I missed him even though he wasn't the best.
My mom used to tell me that when a person dies, they become a star. I used to look up at the stars all day and night. I know they're waiting for me.
I'll be right there.
I was constantly thinking about the night sky in my mother's eyes and hoped time would've stopped for both of us.
Are you up there too? Watching over me?
I looked up at the gentle moonlight, at the star that has been catching my eyes for the past years.
No star can shine as bright as you, mom.
My parents have always been a sensitive topic. Kids used to make fun of me, calling me parentless. That was one of the main reasons we moved.
I missed my dad so much. Even though he hadn't been there for me. He was never home, always busy with work. My mother took care of me and my brother.
Sometimes, he'd come home around ten when I should have been asleep although I would've always waited for him.
I laid back down on the bed, sighing. I was overwhelmed, being too familiar with this feeling.
The feeling of loneliness, of hatred towards yourself, all the sleepless nights, the attempts, all for nothing.
Nothing relieved me. All these scars, and for what? They were just some dumb tattoos that everyone was going to make fun of.
Who would like someone with a scattered body? Who would like someone...broken? Who would accept me for me? For the way I behaved, the way I looked like?
Nobody.
I knew that yet I had no plan on stopping the bad coping mechanism.
It was a part of me now, always there to comfort me.
Crying about my problems wouldn't change anything. It wasn't like if I whined, screamed or sobbed I was going to change overnight, it was impossible.
I just wished things would go back to normal.
Were things ever going to take a turn? That was a question nobody knew the answer to.
I needed to be saved, I needed help and I rejected it.
