cursed⭐︎ᵐⁱⁿˢᵘⁿᵍ

six

"Come down!" I heard my brother yell. What does he want?

Going downstairs, I entered the living room where he was sitting on the couch, watching some uninteresting movie.

"What is it?" I asked, trying to act tough.

"Cut the attitude, young man. Tomorrow is your first day of college. You start around eight. Do not be late. And don't forget to go to the principal for the schedule."

"Fine, mum. I'll make sure to do good."

I ran back to my room, not wanting to hear what he was going to say next— I already knew it.

He's so annoying.

The time showed 10:32, which meant I had to go to sleep soon since I didn't want to be late on my first day.

I went into the bathroom, avoiding the mirror. Taking a hot bath, thoughts started roaming inside my head, making it hard for me to remain calm as I was aware of this emotion.

It was coming, I felt it yet all I could do was listen to them.

It's your fault. I know. You're just seeking attention. I know.

Trauma is inflicted deep within you as it travels with you everywhere you go. It changes you and obligates you to transform the world you live in into an endless fight with the triggers that were given to you. You have to be strong, Jisung.

Trauma triggers you every time something remembers it of itself. Trauma never goes away and healing only consists of making it smaller and smaller until you no longer care about it but that doesn't mean it disappeared.

My mother always said that, in my dreams. She usually appeared in them and told me to keep on going and never give up.

But what does she know? She has no idea how hard my life is. Maybe it was my fault, maybe I shouldn't have done that, maybe that was what caused the curse.

Nevertheless, from her I learned that healing consists in deleting the shamefulness you get from it and changing the feeling you get when you think about it. You need to face it and understand it in order to battle with it. In order to heal, you need to acknowledge the reason you feel like this, and how it affected you.

You need to learn how to live with it and you need to embrace yourself and the power you have for going through it, even though you phoned some damaging coping mechanisms to help you.

I'm capable of trying even if I sometimes fail, I knew that in order to get over all this trauma I had to hug myself because there was no one else who could do it. 

But I don't deserve to get over it.

We are humans. We are meant to share our feelings with each other but why couldn't I do that? Why was it so hard for me to open up?

I tried to be strong, I tried to endure the pain, I tried to numb myself and reject my own feelings. All of it lead me to being the worst version of myself.

A hopeless mind in a helpless body.

I shrugged my shoulders, wanting nothing else than to be at peace. A sigh left my lips when I realized it happened again— overthinking.

And just like that, I turned the water off and put my pyjamas on. I brushed my teeth, trying to at least take care of myself more.

My face looked bad; my eyebags were extremely visible to the point concealing them wasn't helping. My eyes were always red and my lips were dry due to my dehydrated self.

I looked like a crime scene in person.

I checked my phone one last time before setting my alarm, laying down on the freshly washed mattress. I turned on my dominant side, getting comfortable.

Tomorrow I have to be the best.

I tucked myself in bed, feeling too hot, letting one of my arms fall to the edge.

No!

My hand jerked back immediately and my mind tried to convince itself that nothing was there, although I could feel it.

Unable to stay still, even after half an hour passed, I decided a glass of water could calm me down.

I silently jumped out of bed, slowly moving around so my brother would get his beauty sleep.

Making sure I stepped in the right places so the wood wouldn't make a noise, I made my way down to the kitchen. 

I was kinda experienced with it due to my father always checking on me if I were asleep, as a kid. Of course, the house wasn't the same, it was way different, but I checked the planks a while ago; to make sure.

Just in case of anything.

Since it was kind of dark I struggled for more than five minutes but then I finally found a glass, grabbed it and gently placed it on the counter.

After carefully pouring the water, I ran back to my room, tip-toeing.

Confirming that I was safe I drank all the water, feeling more peaceful now. I jumped on my bed and played another song.

This was definitely going to be another sleepless night. I tossed around for about ten songs and when I finally fell asleep the alarm rang.