cursed⭐︎ᵐⁱⁿˢᵘⁿᵍ

thirty four

'Your brother had passed away.' 'It's all your fault.' 'You deserve to join them!' 'Slit!' 'He's dead!' 'Why him and not you?' 'Disappointment!' 'Cut!' 'Jump!' 'Useless!' 'Your brother had passed away.' 'It's all your fault.' 'You deserve to join them!' 'Slit!' 'He's dead!' 'Why him and not you?' 'Disappointment!' 'Cut!' 'Jump!' 'Useless!'

"Shut up!" I shouted as I threw my phone onto the wall, cracking the screen.

Two days. He died two days ago.

I still had nausea, I still felt so dizzy and I still hated myself as much. I couldn't do anything. I wasn't good enough and I knew that.

After all, I even failed to kill myself. Not once, not twice, but so many times that I couldn't even remember. I have lost count.

I felt like drowning regardless of my knowledge of swimming. My thoughts were controlling me— I wasn't in charge of them. I loved sleeping just because I could escape and be happy in my own little inexistent world.

Until nightmares ruined that too.

With the last strength I had inside of me, I headed downstairs to give Bbama some food and water. I decided to just stay in the living room, being too tired to get up.

I turned the TV on and the first thing I saw was the news about a train crashing right into a car.

Are you kidding me?

There were no tears left to cry. No sadness inside of me, nothing. I felt numb, empty. Everything was meaningless, nothing made sense anymore. Life sucked, I learned that the hard way.

I quickly changed the channel, switching it to youtube. I put on a song and leaned on the couch, too exhausted to be productive. I had nothing to do, I was just carelessly waiting for my death.

Wednesday. The day I was announced about my brother's death. It all flashed back to me— how I felt, the knocking on the front door and how time stopped.

Now though I wasn't imagining it, someone was banging on the door— not hard enough to break it but loud enough to wake me up from the sudden disconnection. I wanted to stay right here and not check it.

Why would I go and check? but I had this weird feeling that it was important.

And so I got up and slowly made my way to the door. My whole body was shaking and I was sweating. It all came back to me, the way I thought it wasn't important last time.

I put my shaking hand on the key and unlocked the door. My breath hitched as I opened the entrance.

"Jisung!"

No, fuck no, I can't do this today.

I looked him in the eyes and immediately fell, sobbing.

He didn't hesitate to embrace me in a hug. I tried to push him away, repeatedly telling him to leave me alone, to save himself before it was too late.

"Let's just talk, alright?" he got up and supported my body with his arm, closing the door with the other. He gently took me to the living room, on the couch. My friend sat down next to me and held my hand, drawing invisible little circles on it.

"Minho.. leave!" I said in-between sobs.

"It's okay, I'm here now, calm down, we're okay."

"No! Please, please leave! Don't stay near me!"

He got up, went to the kitchen and brought me a glass of water.

I thanked him in a faded voice and he just nodded as he took a better grip of my hand.