cursed⭐︎ᵐⁱⁿˢᵘⁿᵍ

forty five

"He left too."

I always thought talking to graves was absurd. Why would anyone talk to nothingness? Wouldn't it get boring?

Their death made me change my mind.

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you, brother. I'll make sure that in my next life I'll do better."

If I deserved another one.

Getting up from the ground, I walked slowly to my next destination which was the grave of my beloved friend.

I heard the news of his funeral. His mother invited me. I couldn't go.. Could I? How could I watch my favourite person be buried? Right after watching my brother?

Someone, reach out to me and grab the hand I once held out, please!

I didn't know how to feel. My whole world had died. The person that meant everything to me passed away right in my hands, in the middle of an argument, right after my sibling deceased.

My life was unfair.

Four days had passed. The funeral was yesterday, but I didn't attend. I'm sorry, I'm sure you would've understood.

"I gave Bbama to Hyunjin. I asked him to take care of my dog for a week because I just couldn't anymore." I said, rubbing the gravestone.

"Minho, this is all my fault. You shouldn't have done that, not for me. I told you it was going to happen, why didn't you listen?" I scolded his soul.

It was heavily raining— a thunderstorm even. However, I wasn't scared of the thunders anymore. They seemed to be consoling now.

"I want you to hold me again, Min." I sobbed as I remembered how safe I felt whenever he held me.

"Please, hold me one more time."

I wrapped my arms around myself imagining it was Minho.

But it didn't feel right.

It was cold. Really cold. Despite it being spring, outside was freezing.

The warmth I once felt was no longer here.

I knew that he was there, I just couldn't see him anymore. He was present in my heart, I could sense his warm arms protecting me.

Sense, not feel. Two different things.

"You always said you liked my blue hair. Look, Min, it's fading away. Was this the reason you died?"

I knew that didn't make any sense although I couldn't help but think that it was my fault. After all, I did this to myself.

Knowing Minho, he would've probably wanted me to understand that it wasn't my fault. How? If I hadn't run in the road and stopped to talk my best friend would have still been alive now.

Surely he would.

I was the one and only to blame. It was my fault, all this time. If I hadn't accepted that one time to go to the café, if maybe I distanced myself sooner or never let myself get close to him, what would have happened?

What exactly went wrong?

Undoubtedly, if I never killed my childhood best friend none of this would have happened.

But I was stupid.

"Min, I'm sorry. I appreciate you and everything you have done for me so far, you changed my life." I started, quickly stopping to blow my runny nose.

"For the very first time I felt happy." I said as more and more tears fell down, mixing up with the raindrops.

The feeling of sorrow antagonized me, it followed me wherever I walked. Lurking in the shadows, whispering in my ear.

It was reminding me of the losses I've endured before, telling me that I will forever feel this sense of sadness.

"Minho, without you I have lost direction. My thoughts have been captured by the heartache of your disappearance."

It was heart-wrenching. The way that he left was so abrupt that it tore me to pieces, his death shattered my heart until it was nothing more than sprinkles of dust I could see but not touch.

This whole situation felt surreal. Almost as if this never happened, as if this was a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. No matter how hard I tried.

Each night I prayed that if I were to wake up the next morning Minho would be by my side.

"You became my ceiling, my structure. You were the only thing that held me together when I was falling apart, you were the drywall. The screws and paint that completed me." I said in vain— the thunder covered up half the words I spoke.

"But you've gone away, so I will wait until my ceiling caves in on me and crushes the parts of me that are still lovable." if there are any.

Since he left my world had gone tremendously quiet.

"Please give me one more chance to get a new blank page so I could write a new, happier story for the two of us."

In kindergarten, I had learnt that the word 'happiness' had nine letters but why did mine have five? M-I-N-H-O.

He was the person I would've done anything for. No matter the outcome, his requests were like orders for me.

Truth is, I hated being told what to do. 

Sighing once again, I zoned off and began unconsciously talking. "Grief is the last act of love we have to give those we have lost. Where there is deep grief, there was great love."

I uncontrollably sobbed, my cold tears combined with the sky's tears that seemed to mourn with me. Was there any other reason for me to keep on going?

Sorry.

Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry.

How much I fucking hated that word yet all I felt was shame. That word was all my vocabulary now, his mother deserved an apology from me. Everyone did.

"I would really do anything to smell your signature fragrance again, at least one more fucking time."

He smelled like comfort— home.

"You know, this will be my twenty fifth attempt. I'll make sure to see you soon, Min." I said as I got up and patted the tomb.

"Wait for me." I said and left the graveyard, feeling more miserable than ever.