cursed⭐︎ᵐⁱⁿˢᵘⁿᵍ

thirty one

"Minho!" I said as I jumped into his arms.

"Pardon me?"

"I'm your best friend!"

"No, let me go." he said in a revolted voice, gently pushing me away. "Please, this isn't appropriate at all."

Unstoppable tears rolled down my cheeks. My whole body was shaking and I could feel my heart breaking into infinite pieces, shattering. 

He doesn't know me? He? Minho? What's going on?!

"Someone, brother, get me out of this nightmare, please!" I shouted as loud as I could even though nobody heard me. Nobody wanted to hear me. I was invisible to them, to everyone.

"Wake me up!"

I felt a wet texture come across my salty tears that were lazily resting on my puffy face.

"Bbama.."

I took the dog into my arms and thanked it for waking me up from whatever that was.

Not being remembered was the most terrifying thing to me ever since I was little. It was as painful as losing someone dear to you, at least that's how I felt.

I didn't want to be invisible. I wanted to be someone people could rely on, someone people would relate to and someone who meant something in this senseless world.

"It just never stops, does it?" I said while wiping my tears.

Because of the dog's inability to speak Bbama couldn't verbally comfort me. Instead, he sat on my lap and licked my fingers, showing understatement.

That made me cry harder yet I didn't know exactly why. I couldn't remember the reason I woke up bawling but I guessed it was because of a nightmare, again.

Not sure if it was better now that I couldn't remember it.

Nightmares happened pretty frequently, I was used to them by now. Zombies eating me alive? That's boring.
Someone running after me? Not scary at all.

Losing a loved one? Frightening. All the trauma and all my feelings came back, more powerful, whenever I dreamt about that. I wished, prayed and hoped I would never have to face anything like that ever again, my heart would shatter. I would never be able to recover, to heal. I was sure about that.

When my parents died, or disappeared, same thing, my world crashed. I was devastated. I was just a child, not even a teenager, trying to live my own little life, achieving things everyone should have but I guess that wasn't scripted to happen.

I wished that my parents would come back safe and happy, hug me tight and never let go again. That wasn't the case, I couldn't be happy. I knew that what I was feeling now wouldn't last for long, I was sure about that.

However, Minho reminded me what real happiness is. He showed it to me as he showered me with much love and support, something I never thought I craved this much. I was so grateful for my best friend.

As much as I wanted to give up I couldn't. I knew that even though my pain would end forever I would give it to others, I didn't want to hurt anyone, not even a single fly.

What would I win from wounding others?

That's why I decided to harm myself instead. Some people take their anger out on their close ones, I take my anger out on myself. Why would I do it to others? I knew exactly how it feels and it's such a bitter feeling.

I thanked Bbama by giving him a sweet peck on the head and rushed downstairs to the kitchen. I drank some water so I could fully calm down and decided to go back to sleep since it was still dark outside, meaning it was too early for me to be up.

The moon, a glowing yellowy white surrounded by an ethereal glow was shining. It was bright tonight. It was strong, protecting everyone under it. Sadly, us humans, couldn't reach out to it. Instead, we captured the beauty of it while staring, admiring every single part of it that our eyes were able to see.

Millions of stars were sprinkled behind it, a few large ones but mostly a multitude of little white pin pricks. It was weird thinking that everyone was seeing the exact same sky, it was blowing my mind in a way I didn't really like.

I went upstairs and sat down on the bed beside Bbama.

"Isn't the moon lovely?" I asked him, not expecting an answer.

I fell back on the bed and changed the song that was playing to another one since I got bored of always listening to it.

I was so lost, I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to never feel anything again, I wanted to be numb. Feelings? Fuck them.

As the days passed I grew more and more tired of living to the point I got used to it. I thought it was normal—but no, I was the one normalizing it. Why did I, out of all people, have to feel like this?

That might sound selfish but it's what I thought. It wasn't fair, why me? Of course, I didn't want anyone to go through this but why was I 'the chosen one'?

Sometimes I would put my hands up to my ears to block my own thoughts even though I knew damn well it wouldn't help with anything.

It's annoying.

I grew older with each day, minute and second which made me realize how short life actually was. You'd be here one day and then the other you just.. vanish and nobody remembers you unless you were useful to the world.

If you never helped anyone they will most likely never memorize you. I wanted to help people through my music— but I wasn't allowed to do so. My brother never accepted the fact that I wanted to become a singer.

Regardless I understood him. I just wanted to make him proud, make him think I was useful.

So I wish I knew what to do with my life instead. Every day passed with me doing absolutely nothing, boredom settled in and I never got the chance to think about the future.

I looked at the sky. My mind kept on poisoning itself, help was useless.

Will I ever be able to get real help?