cursed⭐︎ᵐⁱⁿˢᵘⁿᵍ

thirty two

I walked home alone today. Minho couldn't walk with me for some reason. The music teacher, Mr Kim, let us leave earlier since it was our last class.

The walk home seemed to feel longer than usual, possibly because I always strolled with Minho and chatted about whatever, so now walking alone feels boring.

He really lights up my day.

I roamed around the house for about thirty minutes trying to get an idea of what I could possibly do. I was bored and my friend being busy didn't help. I would have asked Felix but I didn't want to bother him.

Yeah, we were close. I did consider him a buddy but I didn't know if he considered me one.

In my eyes, I was a boring person. What did Minho see in me? He always initiated the conversations and hangouts, it was almost like he was interested in me.

Perhaps, did he need a friend too? 

I shook my head to get the thoughts out of my mind, reminding myself of what day was today.

Wednesday. 

My brother should come home today.

When I was little and my brother used to come home after leaving for a few days I used to make him a 'welcome back' cake. In this case I could do the muffins me and Minho bought a while ago.

Yeah, that could work.

I took the necessary ingredients and mixed them together, making the dough. He doesn't really like sweet things, I reminded myself as I put just a little bit of sugar to sweeten the taste.

Bbama was behaving weirdly. He kept barking and running around, being restless. I tried calming him down by giving him some food and water, implying to play with him or just cuddle together.

It didn't help.

The clock showed 2:50 but when my phone's screen lit up the time was  2:32. I found it strange but decided to ignore it and just change the batteries of the clock.

I was cutting some tomatoes for my salad when I heard some knocks on the door. Again, just like last time, I didn't pay any attention to them. It's probably not even important.

Maybe it's the mailman or something.

"It's the police, open up." a man said, making my heart literally drop.

What? No, this can't be happening. What did I do? What's going on?

I ran to the front door and opened it, exposing four cops.

"Are you Han Jisung?"

"Yes, that's me. What can I.. help you with?" I said with my voice trembling almost worse than my body, eyes looking back and forth at the unknown people.

The cops exchanged looks and sighed before saying something like they were sorry for whatever. Wait, what?

"Your brother had passed away." one of them, the woman, spoke. "Han.."

My heart stopped. No, crap that, the whole world stopped. Everything felt unreal, I refused to believe that something like this happened.

I blocked all the voices. I couldn't hear anything they were saying, I was ruined.

What?

At some point I fell down to my knees and that was the only thing I remembered. I might have blacked out due to the heartbreaking news.

Their voices were becoming louder and louder but at the same time, they were fading away, coming off muffled. A wave of dizziness washed over me, making me want to puke all of a sudden.

No, that's not true.

"We are sorry to tell you this. A train crashed into his car completely ruining it."

Sorry.

Now, I hated that fucking word. It was always so meaningless, not a single drop of truth in it.

The police officers saw me, they saw how I basically died right in front of them and they left saying they will come back to talk when I would be ready.

I slammed the door and dropped down back to my knees, sobbing. I cried out for help. I called out my brother's name, I thought that would somehow revive him.

Bbama came to me and sat down right next to my helpless self. He put his chin on my lap in a sense of comfort while I continued to shed neverending tears.

I was done for. That was it, my final straw.

Psychically I could live without the help of my brother but I needed him, he was one of the last remaining people in my family.

I really felt like I lost my whole world, my whole purpose to keep on going. I wanted to end it all right there and then, I didn't want to live any more minute without him.

Next thing I knew, my fingers were fastly writing a message to the school, announcing to them that I was going to stay home due to some familial issues.

Not again.

I slid down the wall next to his room and continued my crying session. The tears wouldn't stop, the discomfort in my chest was unbeatable and painful.

What was I going to do from now on?

My brother isn't dead. He can't be! How could he do such a thing to me? He knows me the best, he knows how much I'm hurting now.

I couldn't believe it. My brother? My only sibling was gone forever? My family? Everyone?

No, it can't be right. I thought as I grabbed the random pills and inhaled all of them with almost no hesitation. I didn't care about anything anymore— It was over for me.

I bit into my hand trying to surpass the internal pain I was feeling as I tried to turn the ache into anger, with sadly no results. The feeling was way too strong.

However, regret settled in.

Right when things were getting better, why now? Why did it have to happen? Sure, nothing lasts, he had to die one day. After all, we are all humans and we aren't immortal.

Why?

I went through so much, it was enough, how much more pain did I have to endure? I couldn't do it. There was no way I could ever get used to the fact that he was gone forever now.

I'm not strong— I never was and never will be.

No more 'good mornings', no more scolding, no more bickering, no more gossiping and no more late-night rides.

Even though he caused me so much emotional suffering, I loved him.

I knew that never in my life would I be able to get over my parent's death. It was an impossible task for me. Now my brothers? The universe was trying me right now.

When did it all go wrong? I kept wondering, regardless of my knowledge about it. Surely, that was 'the red button' everyone told me not to press.

Why.

Bbama received one last sweet kiss and fell into a deep slumber hoping that if I was ever to wake up again, my brother would be in the kitchen making us tasty food.

I can't do this anymore.