cursed⭐︎ᵐⁱⁿˢᵘⁿᵍ

thirty three

A phone was buzzing nonstop. The dog wouldn't stop barking and jumping around. I could feel the whole house moving around with me. I felt nauseous and horrible.

My breathing was unsteady, I felt like suffocating. My body was limp and my face felt clammy. I tried to get up as a wash of confusion overcame me. I didn't understand anything that was happening, I was so lost.

I couldn't move. I could barely open my eyes and even so my vision was blurry. I was forcing myself to gain back consciousness and get up. I felt like throwing up.

The noise of my phone ringing annoyed me. I didn't even know if it was real or not. I had forgotten what happened.

Another failed attempt?

I sighed as I pushed myself to the edge trying to wake up already. I slowly stood up in a sitting position with my hands supporting my half-dead body.

Bbama jumped on the bed and sat on my lap, moving a lot. I petted him with all my remained power and assured him I was okay. Though I was far from that.

I carefully got up and made little to no steps to the bathroom; feeling somehow high. I heard voices, so many, they were speaking over each other making it impossible for me to understand what was going on.

'Your brother had passed away.'

I collapsed on the ground as memories came back to me. I crawled over to the toilet and threw up nothing since I hadn't eaten anything.

My dog came rushing to me and stood there, unable to do anything, he was just a pup and not trained.
Nonetheless, he did emotionally help me.

I choked on my own tears, puking in between sobs. That kept going on for about ten minutes. I was empty— literally.

Limping over to my bedroom, I checked the time.

2:40 PM.

I intentionally missed school. It wasn't just that I was sleeping, I simply couldn't get up and go. I wanted to be left alone.

7 missed calls from Minho and 12 new messages.

[Minho]: Hey, are you feeling alright?

[Minho]: I can't find you anywhere, are you even at school?

[Minho]: Jisung, what's going on?!

[Minho]: Are you sick? Do you want me to come over later?

[Minho]: I waited for you today, we were supposed to take the bus together. It's okay though!

[Minho]: Please answer me as soon as possible.

[Minho]: I just finished school. Can I come over?

[Minho]: I'm sorry. I don't want to disturb you.

[Minho]: Can you call me?

[Minho]: At least answer me, please.

[Minho]: I hope you're sleeping well, Sung.

[Minho]: Hey, I'm in front of your house.

My finger accidentally touched the screen and now it shows that I saw the messages.

It would be mean to ignore him, leave him on seen, but I couldn't do anything else other than stare at them and sniff.

As much as I wanted to text him back and tell him come over, my hands were trembling.

The messages were relatively new which meant that he could still be outside.

Cut him off.

I hated myself for not being able to protect my older brother. I hated myself for not being able to get up and be productive. I hated myself because of my feelings. I hated myself for hiding from the whole world. I could list a thousand reasons why I hated myself.

My phone vibrated, once again.

[Minho]: I understand. Please get better soon, Ji. I'll come by tomorrow too.🤍

Why was he doing all of this? I didn't know. I never knew or understood why Minho was acting so sweetly towards me, it made me feel miserable but somehow I enjoyed it.

Enjoyed the attention. The way he would check up on me, the way he would comfort me and hold me so lovely, he felt like home.

I never really had a friend. He was my only friend and I fucked everything up.

It's my fault. I'm going through this hell because of myself.

I thought that I could live a normal life after all the traumatic events that I have been through but I guess I was wrong. So dumb of me to think that I could heal from that. It just kept happening, again and again and again.

Minho..

I knew that I had to ignore him from now on. As much as I hated the idea of having to let go of him, I had to. Never in a million years I would want to hurt him or see him in pain.

Now it was certain. Undoubtedly, he would haunt me forever, so I had to distance myself away from Minho in case anything bad were to happen to him.

That's how my life was— people leaving, dying or ignoring me.

I have gotten used to it now, although it still hurt. My brother wasn't the nicest but I appreciated his presence. He always took care of me, we were just so young and had to grow up by ourselves.

My heart was going to pop out of my chest anytime now. I was aware that those pills could not kill me but all I wanted was to hurt myself.

Because I didn't deserve to feel something else other than pain.

I wanted my brother back. I wished that it was me who died, why him? He hasn't done anything wrong at all.

The guilt was starting to kick in as I hopelessly stood on the ground beside my bed incapable of doing anything.

You'll lose your job. You have to work.

I knew that yet I couldn't bring myself to even get up from the floor. I was at my lowest point and I fully believed no one could help me get out of this, not even myself. I was all alone.

No, I felt all alone. What about Minho? He was always there for me. 

Ah, rejecting help again.

And so I texted my manager and took another week off. I was risking my job, my money and my health. I was powerless, not a single drop of energy inside my body.

With a last sigh, I realized I was born in a cursed world.