Ruhani ~ The Language Of Love

60 ~ Ruhani Gives Up

Triggering Content!

Ruhani POV

The realisation that I now had a baby inside me made me suddenly stronger yet frightened beyond imagination.

I told Shaheen not to tell anyone about it until Sultan knew. Because our Sultanate was going through tremendous changes, and we were at war. Any such news to the enemy could make them more robust against us. 

Neither the Darmiyan nor the Hamid was our enemies, but someone in the fabric of an ally was our enemy, and it would not take a moment for a person familiar with the ground conditions to guess his name.

The days started passing with the best of my efforts to keep my pregnancy sickness unnoticed while working for my people. Many of them turned joyous with the new changes, and the remaining had to find a way to go through it. Sadly.

The days were easy to bear, but the nights were turning horrible to pass. The empty chamber started reminding me of him even more. I did not know if it was the baby who wanted to feel his father or me who was becoming hollowed from the inside for him.

The only motivation I was left with was the life growing inside my tummy and the people who started smiling just now. But, as an individual, I started feeling broken inside because I was not able to disappear from the fact that he was fighting against my family and anything could happen to either of them.

I often try to catch sleep which now turned extremely difficult because of the raging thoughts occupying my mind every then and there. 

My body had started feeling weak because of the frequent vomits and smell of food that I was utterly disliking. I even started feeling anxious, sad and crying sometimes. It was like I started having mood swings. And it starts with a thought, that I grow deeper and think from every possible perspective, and it eventually ends with a sad ending leading my tears to fall from my eyes unnecessarily.

Almost six months had passed, and nothing got better either politically or physically. In the early days of my pregnancy, I used to roam around the Sultanate and meet people to witness that everything was running smoothly. But, as my baby bump started growing, I limited my walks to my chamber so that no one could get the idea that I was pregnant.

The reason was simple. Trust. I did not trust anyone here. I still was not sure about the people's loyalty, and when it was about the baby, my trust issues worsened.

The only person who knew about my pregnancy was Shaheen, and I somewhere trusted her. Ever since Sultan left, his mother, sister and brother also stopped visiting me. 

My world was the chamber, and my life was the life growing inside me now.

Every day I still used to see the sun and feel its warmth. It also reminds me of the warmth I loved the most in the world.

I had become a strong queen for the outside world. People started fearing me and obliged. But, from inside, I was turning weak day by day. The security of my baby and the worries for my family were hollowing me. Even a faded thought of something happening to them brings me into the deep bubble of tensions that were only increasing.

I did not know, but the separation had made me broken. It was worse than everything I had seen before. This was when I needed him the most; his baby needed him the most. The secrecy, the changes, the loneliness, it all made me broken.

And, somewhere deep inside, I now left the hope. Initially, I thought his anger would calm down and he would come to see me at least once. He would come and talk to me even for once. I spent every day just waiting for him.

It had become my routine to get up in the morning and stand before the window looking in the direction of the main entrance in the hope that maybe he would return today.