Operation: One percent

Chapter 60

Margaret

I was about to end it all. I was.

But then, from the corner of my eye, I saw Maryam's drawing on the floor, and I panicked. 

I quickly unraveled it to make sure that It wasn't damaged, and took a breath of relief.

I truly thought that I didn't care anymore, but a simple thing like this drawing pulled me back because it was Maryam's.

The only thing I had of hers.

I just stared at it, letting my thoughts focus on the drawing.

If I died, that means that the truth will never be known, and maybe she could choose another path for herself if she did.

With or without me in her life...she needs to have a choice, but the one made with correct information, I owed her that much. A choice that will not be affected by the falsified past.

And I will not be able to do anything if I am not mentally well.

I was completely aware of how the effects of not only that night but all of the universes before, affected me.

In a moment, someone was knocking at my door, but I never cared about opening it. I never cared to check who it is. 

My device vibrated with a message.

Ace: "Margaret, for the sake of whatever we had, please call me when you get this message." A text from Ace.

Margaret: "I am fine Ace. Please do not contact me anymore." 

Ace "I am sorry Margaret if I have offended you somehow at some point, but please, I deserve more than this cold-ass text. I don't understand why are you ignoring me?"

I figured I was the bad guy all along. Typing out a message, then deleting it, then once again typing it, I finally wrote.

Margaret "You do deserve an explanation, but I do not have anything new to say that I haven't said already before. I think you will agree that more than enough time has passed for you to make the change that you spoke about but you didn't. You asked me to trust you, but you have trampled that trust with your complacency. I told you, I would not support it but I will understand. That is all I will say, and I hope that answer is enough for you."

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 I decided to go to therapy and rehab.

It was extremely expensive, but I decided to give it a go. I decided that Maryam deserved it, so I took on several other jobs. I haven't taken another assassin board job for two months.

My withdrawals were less intense, but still, I sometimes had a need to take them. Not because I needed them physically, but because I would reach for them by pure reflex, and I would stop myself from taking them.

I even put a rubber band on my wrist and pinched it every time when I reached for the pills.

Therapy really did help in changing my self-view, although it didn't quite cure me entirely.

I suppose it needed time because there was a considerable change inside of me that I didn't realize in me.

I did what I thought was best back then, and it might have not been the best choice, but... I did what I knew how to cope with that situation.

But the hardest part that I needed to accept, and that I couldn't come to terms with was that Maryam made her choice and it wasn't my fault like the psychotherapist suggested.

I knew very well that I attributed to how Maryam turned out to be, and I understood what the psychotherapist spoke about, but I still felt I owed her.

All I needed was a simple conversation with her, just her and me, but as she appeared she disappeared once again.

I needed to figure out how to get to her, and I couldn't do that if I didn't pay off the post-offs every month.

I took a  job as a singer in Pink Lotus because it was easy to get into.

My device was ringing and I saw it was Aces number, which I ignored. I guess the answer wasn't up to his standard.

I made sure to work at a different bar that he never went to before. Then a disturbing and intrusive thought came to me-Maybe he could help me get Maryam? 

But why would he?

He obviously doesn't care about this society or about me now, but every now and then, I would think of the conversations we had in darkness, and I remembered it with gratitude. It is undeniable that we shared some connection, but whatever it was, it didn't quite move him enough.

Old me would have thought of him as a coward, and maybe I still do, but I could understand him now. I could understand his humanity, no matter how villainous it may be. Even villains can sometimes do good.

Even though it hurt and I felt disappointed, I knew that I couldn't change him, or what he does.