you can hear it in the silence

chapter eight

**tw**
mention of cancer, death, anxiety and panic attacks
************************************************

Adare ༉‧₊˚✧.*

Today's October 8th.
Watching the days go by is so much more painful that I could have imagined.

It's like I'm waiting for her death anniversary to pass, but in the same way, once it passes, that's just more days she's been gone.

I feel so scared, and I don't really know why.

I don't want to talk to my dad about it. He's having a hard enough time on his own, and I'm supposed to be doing better.

I am doing better.
If I repeat it enough it'll eventually happen.

I decided to get to my lecture way early.
So much outside of my control is happening to me, the least I can do for myself is make sure I'm not late— I'm in control of that much.

Sitting in Oceanography, I'm the third person in here.
I make my way over to my seat and decide to work on some things for other classes.

My heart's beating so fast and I feel my palms start to get clammy.
Please no.

I can't have another panic attack.
My panic attacks are something that I can almost feel growing the weeks leading up to it before one day, it just finally releases.

No. Not today.

Swallowing, I sit up in my chair and start to work on an essay for my literature class.

When I glance up at the time, nearly thirty minutes have passed.
When I'm writing, I forget how fast time goes by.

More people are trickling into the class and the seats slowly start to get filled.

I notice a blonde guy out of the corner of my eye starting to get closer to my seat before he speaks up.

"Hey, I'm Jordan," he says while pushing out his hand for me to shake.

"I'm Adare," I smile softly while shaking his hand back.

He sits down on the seat beside me, but leaves his backpack on and only sits on the edge of the seat.

"What's your major?" He asks.
"Forensic psych," I reply back, "what about you?"
"Undecided," he says and I just silently nod my head.

We chat for a second about our first weeks at college before I see Wes start to walk up.

When he makes his way to his seat, currently being occupied by Jordan, he has a glum look on his face.

"That's my seat," he says with no expression on his face and Jordan looks up to him standing.

"Oh hey man, you're Wes right? Great win over Valley last week dude, that game looked brutal."

"Yeah, it was," he replies, still with no expression painted on his face.

Jordan is quiet for a spilt second before quickly jumping out of his seat, "oh yeah sorry, I was just asking her a question," he says while glancing back at me.

"Anyways nice to meet you, Adare," he says while shooting me a quick smile before walking to an empty seat in the opposite direction.

"Nice to meet you too, I say with a soft smile before turning my head back down to my computer while Wes sets his things down and sits beside me.

"Thanks for saving my seat Wellsy," he says sarcastically, sounding annoyed.

"I figured you were a big boy and could hold your own."

He just rolls his eyes in response before Professor McClain walks in and starts her powerpoint.

˖ ࣪✦

Wes

Today's lecture is excruciatingly long over the dumbest fucking information and my whole body hurts from yesterday's practice.

Coach had us run suicides for an hour straight.
An hour.
Straight.

I look over to Adare to see if she's also bored by the lecture or if I'm just painfully tired, but instead of seeing her just taking notes like she normally is, she is taking notes, but she's got a pale face and is tapping her leg at God speed.

I lean over a whisper, "will you stop tapping your fucking leg?"

She looks like she quickly comes back to reality and realizes that she was tapping her leg and immediately stops and sits up in her chair.

She takes a gulp, looking like she just got in trouble by the dean of the university before replying shortly, "sorry."

Sorry?

I feel a sense of remorse for telling her to stop.
She was supposed to call me a name, or hit me, or tell me to shut the fuck up.

Not say sorry.

A little confused by or response, or lack of normal response, I just have a slightly confused look on my face before looking back at the clock to see how much time we have left.

Almost done. Finally.

When the professor finally releases us, Adare quickly packs up her things and starts to stand up.

"Hey, hey," I say quickly while also standing up, "is something wrong? You look like you're gonna throw up, or pass out."

She looks up at me and when I see the ever so slight redness in her eyes, assuming its being brought out from her face looking so pale right now. "Or both," I say, kind of joking.

She quickly comes to her defense, "what? No," she starts, "No I'm fine what are you talking about?"

I just scrunch my brows while running my eyes over her face before looking down to her rubbing her hands together slightly and pinching the meaty part of her thumb with her other thumb and pointer finger.

"You just," I drag out my words slowly, "don't look so good. Do you feel sick?"

That statement causes her to put her hands down to her sides and the worried look on her face two seconds ago is not masked by annoyance.

"Thank you Wes," she pauses while rolling her eyes, "I appreciate that," she says sarcastically before starting to move to walk in front of me.

"Where are you going?"

"What do you mean where am I going? Class is over, I don't have anything else today, I'm going back to my dorm."

I quicken my steps to catch up with her.

"I didn't mean it like that," I groan, "I mean like you're just acting weird."

She rolls her eyes, "your face is weird," she says and starts to pick up her pace and heading out the doors.

༉‧₊˚✧.*
thanks for reading :D
who's your favorite march sister (little women) I love them all so so much but beth 🥲