you can hear it in the silence

chapter ten

**tw**
mention of anxiety, panic attacks, abuse, and alcoholism
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Wes

Fuck.
I forgot it's almost the anniversary of her death.

"It's just like," she pauses looking forward while my head is turned staring at her. "Time just keep moving, you know?" She shakes her head and turns to me.

"Things keep happening, good things, bad ones even, and she's just not here for any of it," she pauses and looks forward again.

"She's not gonna be here for any of it," her voice cracks at the end and she is about to start crying again.

Immediately she puts her hands back on her face, this time to wipe under her eyes.

"No, no, I'm done crying, I'm so tired of fucking crying," she says and exhales.

I think this may be the longest we've ever went without arguing.

"She was your mom Wellsy, and one who actually cared. I mean, fuck, she was like.." I drift off, "perfect."

My mind starts to wonder how different I would be if my dad cared.

"It's just, it was supposed to get better with time, you know. You move on. It's not supposed to keep hurting," she says while shaking her head looking blankly into the wall in front of her.

We're almost touching shoulders as we're sitting beside each other against the wall.
Every time one of us moves, our shoulders graze slightly.

"You can't put a time limit on that something like that. That's not how it works. It hurts so bad because she was there. She cared," I say back.

It's silent for a second.

"It's not fair," I pause, "cause there's people like your mom who did everything right, who lived and loved and tried and they die and other people get to live."

She turns to me and has a confused look on her face, "what do you mean?"

I sit my head back on the wall and look forward while I let out a breath.

I really shouldn't say this.
I really shouldn't say this.

"My dad used to beat me."

Silence.

She doesn't say anything, but I can feel her turned head staring at me, eyes wide open.

Our upper arms are slightly touching while we just sit in silence and I stay looking forward, still in shock from what I told her.

"What?" She says, sounding out of breath.

I let a breath out of my nose, "it was awful and he's a sick son of a bitch, but he stopped once I was finally able to fight back and he never tried anything again. He's a fucking drunk who's the biggest coward I've ever met, but it's over and I'm fine, it's just, why the fuck do people like your mom have to die and people like my dad are still breathing?" I say so quickly that I almost can't believe I just said any of it.

Her mouth is gaping open before she finally speaks. "Holy fuck, Wes, I.." She drifts off, "I don't even know what to say," she says, sounding genuinely concerned.

"There's nothing to say," I pause. "I mean, it's over but I just don't fucking get it," I say shaking my head.

I'm not looking at her, but I know she's wracking her brain for what to say.

I lower my voice almost to a whisper, "I've never told anyone that."

We're silent for a second.

Her face turns to me and I speak again. "Sometimes I think that if he died tomorrow I wouldn't even feel anything." I shake my head while I lick my lips before continuing.

"Sometimes I wish he would die," I say in a whisper because I feel ashamed to say it out loud.

I let out a breath through my nose because I know how that sounds.

I shake my head and say my next words in such a low whisper she wouldn't of heard if she wasn't this close to me. "Does that make me an awful person?"

Adare exhales through her nose and turns her head to look at me.

"Wes, you have so many other unlikable qualities that make you an awful person, but this isn't one of them," she says lowly.

Despite her trying to be playful, she sounds genuinely sincere.

We both sit back with our backs along the wall, side beside each other, our arms almost grazing each other, looking at the wall in front of us, and we're just quiet.

There's so much being said within the silence.

To each other, to ourselves.
And we just sit like that for a while.

I don't know how much time passes but we stay in the silence beside each other until she finally breaks it.

"Sometimes I feel like I losing my mind," she says lowly, huffing out an almost laugh.

"Me too Wellsy," I pause, "me too."

She exhales through her nose.

"We're never speaking of this ever again."
And I silently agree.

I take an audible breath. "To unspeakable things."
She yawns while repeating back, "to unspeakable things."

༉‧₊˚✧.*
thanks for readingg
again, another deep emotional chapter but I think it's really important for their character development throughout the rest of the story