Redemption [| PHILLIP GRAVES |]

CHAPTER XLIX: Memento's Cassette

Graves had isolated himself in his room after returning back to the team, being able to mourn properly as he just sits quietly on his bed with a deprived look displayed on his face. He still couldn't believe that he was gone, and was never able to see even his body at site. Nobody could survive such a violent explosion like that, especially if you're severely injured by a bullet in the chest.

He couldn't even bring himself to cry, as if he just sat there, dead, just staring at his ruined walls. His eyes were begging for him to just let it all out as it burns from the amount of emotion that manifested throughout the whole day, not being able to get some sleep as well which adds on to the black circles underneath his eyes.

The man had lost two people he cared for on the same day, not willing to move on from the incident. It was already traumatizing for him to witness Price's death, being given a shot inside his old skull, remembering the flash that had occurred once it happened, but Nikolais just had to give his own life away just to save both Graves and Shogun from the site.

He regretted not doing anything after the gate had closed between them, but he knew that, he should've ran. No. That wasn't him back there. He was so caught up with the disastrous proposal of Nikolais, that he had lost his mentality in the process, not being able to think up of a better solution in order to keep Nikolais. His mind was jumbled, absolutely messed up as he was also in a state of panic, and he just made the abrupt decision of leaving him there, despite knowing that he shouldn't, yet he did.

Now he lost everything.

Graves had just got the courage of standing up and going over to where his desk was, demotivated and unable to do anything but just stare at the wall in front of him. That was when he saw the remaining papers on his side, empty and ready to be pierced with literature. He gets a small amount of motivation by doing so as he proceeds to grab one piece of paper along with a pencil as he prepares to write, most likely, his last entry because he didn't have the will to write these notes anymore.

"phillip graves: entry 3 (i don't care anymore.)

yesterday was the day that nikolais died because of my selfishness. i hate the fact that i even brought myself to trust him again, yet i was only hurt in the end. now, i cannot even bring myself to do anything anymore because he's gone. i cannot express myself, i cannot be myself, i cannot be anything overall. i hate it.

i hate myself.

i hate myself for not being able to save him.

i just stood there, hopelessly begging for him to stop, he didn't. and that was honestly stupid. why would you do that to me, niko? why couldn't you just run away with us? why couldn't you just... let us get killed, together? i get that it was to change the device's explosion but it still hurts knowing that you were doing it for a purpose. it hurts me knowing that you still cared for me even when i had left everything behind us. it hurts, because i trusted you again.

i was beginning to trust you, even after everything that had happened.