All The Kings Men

Chapter 58 Hannahs Thoughts

The Queen had been in labor for hours. I hadn't slept in what felt like days and I'm afraid the whole baby thing has never been my desire so I excused myself and let Farah relay her expertise. One more minute of me listening to Theas heavy breathing or grunts of pain and I thought I might go crazy.

Although I was very proud and happy for Thea. She finally would get all the kings men off her back. She would finally be seen as valuable. She would finally give them their heir. I suppose that's why I didn't want children. I felt like I was worth more then a breading machine. Obviously I would never express this out load especially to William but I prayed that he wouldn't force it on me for a while.

"You are stressed." Lilly's voice made me jump. I hadn't heard her make her way down the hallways and she caught me off guard "I can tell by the expression on your face....and you've been ignoring me."

"I am spoken for." I cleared my throat. "It is time for me to fulfill my birth fate and I cannot think straight around you."

"And since when have you ever cared about that ?" Lilly laughed. Even in my anger at her words her laugh was like a sweet harmony in my ears. I had missed it and had missed watching it come out of her wonderfully shaped lips. I glanced up to trace the perfect line her chin formed. Her face just radiated beauty. I had never in my life seen such grace and poise in one face and I had been to a lot of royal courts. I couldn't shake how much I was truly attracted to her, but I refused to let myself slip into her again. Shaking my head I forced my thoughts away from me.

"I didn't have a choice when I was born. And I don't now. I have younger sisters you know. Who I marry affects their lives. And the person I have been here was created in my distress at the brothel." I huffed shaking my head and letting it drop into my hands.

"The person you have been is who you are." Lilly stepped forward taking my hands. "And you are not responsible for anyone's fate but your own."

"No!" I said pulling away from her. "You know nothing of the weight on my shoulders."

"Do you not feel it ? The energy between you and I it's electric. It's love." She came closer to me whispering so no one could hear although I'm sure in this castle someone would be listening. "I know we agree what has happened was a mistake...but this. Us, we aren't. "

"You have awakened something in me I do not want to understand..." I cried. "And you can not promise me anything. The church would never allow this."

"But the king might." Lilly's words caught me off guard.

I turned slowly to her. "The king ?"

Lilly moved closer to talk in a lowered tone. "He has certain preferences. I'm sure he wouldn't tell."

"Certain preferences?" I asked.

"Surly it's not hard for you to believe we are not the only ones who like our own body parts." Lilly laughed then her face softened with understanding. "Oh my God you do." I crossed my arms my mind racing with a million thoughts. "The king...he likes to be touched by his men."

"Shut your mouth." I snapped.

"It's not a wise tale. It's the truth." She argued. Her voice had raised in frustration and she glanced around with a worried expression. She composed herself and lowered her tone again. "We maids are everywhere. It's impossible for us not to know all the goings on here."

"Silas has done so much for me. Letting me live here, putting me on his counsel. Letting me make a difference in the lives of the single ineligible women...I won't have you talking such profanity about him." I replied angry. "I won't allow whatever feelings or...whatever this is to mess it up."

"I meant no such harm." Lilly stated. "All I'm saying is..I think he would understand you."

"Even if he did..." I shook my head. "What life would it be? What could you offer me? A dust pan and some rags?" Lilly's face dropped and immediately I realized how deep my words cut. "I will marry William. And you will leave me alone."

"You can dress yourself up, put all the diamonds on you want, never lift your finger and lift your nose even higher.....but you can not change who you are." Lilly exhaled. "And sooner or later you will have to face who you are."