In Waves -Book 3

Chapter 16 - Dawning

The Ice cream remnants on the side table had long melted and the spoon just stuck slightly to the paint of my bedside table.

The apartment was quiet, no sounds of giggles, no sounds of the wake up andd patter of the toddler, just me in bed , woken up by the winds tinkering on the window, and after that brief few moment of ignorance when I opened my eyes, I remembered.

I remembered the tears, the guilt, the sick feeling in my stomach, because my traumatised ass just couldn't move on, and I wasn't sure I even wanted to.

When you have had the love of all loves, or at least what you think was the ultimate love, you never ever think you will find it again, and that because you lost it, you always blame yourself.

I was like a relic for Namjoon, his last kisses and love in this world was on me, in me and caressed my body with its beautfiul memories, and now due to a brief slip up, his lips where now history, he wasn't the last velvety moisture to want me, Daniel had kissed me , and I didn't know how to feel.

Daniel was nice, had no ulterior motive, he was just a little piece of peace for an evening and made me feel at ease, and something other than just mum mode, but I didn't feel for him, I mean shit is this stuff supposed to have feelings, I tried not to feel with Namjoon , and look where that got me!.

I should just be enjoying a lay in, enjoying some sleep, because lets face it I haven't had a full nights sleep since Aera came into the world.

But instead I am laying here, feeling the guilt I am not sure I should.

'Joonie....baby.....what do I do?' I softly spoke, half convinced he was in the room with me and I just couldn't see him.

'What should I do ....do I get a sign for this?' I continued.

'I can't do it again....I can't let myself again......you were everything.....you are the only one who would understand all of this' I said willing myself not to cry and bury myself eternally in my blankets.

His face smiled back in those pictures by my bed, his pendant caught the sunshine coming through my window and hitting it just right, the smell of Aera lingered in the flat and I hoped she was having the best day and I was relieved that no one knew of my existential crisis right now , and in truth I guess I won't tell anyone and I have to trust that Daniel wouldn't say anything to Fran.

This shouldn't hurt this much, and one thing I knew, is that if it was supposed to be enjoyed, if Daniel's kiss was to mean anything, then I wouldn't feel like this, It would just feel like it should have happened.

'It's all Jungkook's fault...Motherfucker took it all!' I softly grimaced to myself.

This was all because of him, if he had arrived a few moments later, Hobi would have shot him in time and Namjoon would be here and I would have my Daughter's Father here, and my Husband in all but paperwork in my life, but his evil took him, Jade took him and one small piece of peace I had , was that Jungkook was dead, and Jade was dead and that it would never hurt us or anyone ever again.

If this was the cost to stop evil then I will wear it, I don't have a choice, I don't think I ever really did.

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I knew she would have the best time with her Aunty Ella and Uncle Charlie and drive them to exhaustion today instead of me and they would love every minute of it.

I would sometimes walk past my childhood home in Camden London, its grubby window panes filling my memory with its blackness, even though my DNA strands had long moved away from there.