In Waves -Book 3

Chapter 31 - Don't hate me

My eyes are sore and my body feels beaten up even if the real villain in all of this is my mind. My whole world has been telling me that moving on would happen and I stubbornly dug my heels in like a runaway horse was dragging me, when the truth is that like the feathery waves at the end of a storm I was being sent somewhere I had no idea I could belong.

I liked Hobi, I liked him, and the more I thought about Ella's words and the stories my friends had told me about their fights with love, the more things made sense.

I had never intended for this to happen, even now as I lay here under my duvet wondering how the fuck I was going to do this, I still felt like I was pouring petrol on the memory of Namjoon and hitting it with the biggest match.

But Kat, that isn't true, lives full of examples from your friends have shown that love isn't linear, one new one doesn't write out an old one and those old feelings don't disappear and there is no sudden injustice to a memory when your heart tries to find a new home.

This is my fourth decade on this earth and this may be the chance to finally get it right, if only I could convince myself that I wasn't being crazy.

But my god, he liked me, he had feelings, feelings that were built through friendship and I don't know how he feels. I feel like a fucking idiot, I ran and I made him feel like the bad guy, and I came to this bedroom and ran into my ensuite bathroom and let the shower hurt me to take away any goodness Hobi had given to me that evening.

Why am I still letting Jungkook and Taehyung hurt me like this, they took Namjoon from me, and their ghosts in my head are stopping Hobi from being in my life when he was the one who took them out of it.

'I don't know what I am doing baby' I whispered as I always did for comfort to Namjoon's photos and waited for that silent voice that rolled around my mind to tell me it was ok.

But he had in his way told me, whether it was an accident or perfect happenstance that those letters smacked me in the brain last night, I will never know.

'I don't want to lose you ...but I don't want to lose whatever this could be either....I am sorry baby' I said, hugging a mass of duvet in my palms and hoping that I would dream and come up with a solution.

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Hobi just laid there, silently on his sheets, and stared at the ceiling.

He had done it, he had let his mask slip and his emotions guided by a little alcohol had shown Kat how he was feeling.

He hadn't intended for this to happen, he was here to save her life once more and he was trying to kill the demons that had taken from both of them and kill them once and for all.

But he just cried last night, he came home and had thrown things around, wanting so much to be loved and wanting to know the pain in his chest that was longing to feel something would take him down the right path.

Kat had run off, Hobi had tried calling out to her, but he saw that fear in her, that same fear when he had put a bullet in Jungkook and Kat had seen who he was.

He was a liar, a fucking liar who would get more people killed, but he had nothing else he could do in his life.

His bosses would kill him themselves, but he had fallen in love with the one that needed to be protected the most, he had crossed a line, but and this was a big but, he had been happy in her arms, he had felt sanctuary in her embrace and he had tasted beauty when her lips met his and everything in him was screaming that he shouldn't let her go.