In Waves -Book 3

Chapter 36 - Ciao Bella

Mum guilt sure is a real thing and it is something that hits me daily, as I never feel I am good enough and that I fell into this role I never thought during my life that I deserved.

It was either feeling like I was working too much, as a single mother it was a juggling act ever since I found the job at Purple Publishing and worked my way up.

I would feel guilty leaving her with any of our little family, but I trusted them all with my life and she was so happy and loved everyone. Fuck maybe I was trying to compensate for the fact she didn't have a whole family unit since her father died but on that same token, my parents had been married and still are and they were the definition of a walking nightmare and the day I ran with a rucksack and no fucking clue was the first day of the rest of my life.

Aera loves Ella and Charlie and as I always felt deep down, they felt like bonus parents, the ones who were supposed to get this beautiful little soul and not me and my heart always ached that Ella couldn't have children of her own, but she loved my daughter with a ferocious mothers love and Charlie in all his wonderful randomness would take any bullet fired our way.

So I have to learn not to be so guilty, I can almost hear Namjoon whispering in my ear telling me to listen to myself and to see how happy she is and that her family both sky and earthbound were all in those smiley happy face that was nearly always framed by mismatched pigtails.

Tonight would be no different, but this is a different kind of different, christ that sounded bad, you wouldn't think my job was writing every day but this is my story so the prose won't always make sense.

I was to go on a date with Hobi, we had both found a date that worked and I left it up to him as to where we go.

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'Right that's it for another week' I sighed as I swigged the last of my Coffee and just stared at the remaining seconds draining down on my laptop.

It was a Friday, a Friday in June, and it was a week or two away from that date that my heart died but I am trying to feel all the signs coming my way and letting tonight be a great night with my new boyfriend.

'Shocking .....3 emails from Goad the Toad '  I said and laughed sarcastically.

'I got them too Kat !' Fran said from the other side of the door.

'Did you wish he would choke on his dick too?' I scoffed and just sat back in my chair and slowly gathered the items I needed to take with me for this weekend.

'Kat...girl...we both know he couldn't choke on that thing.....it like....' Fran Joked and just wiggled the tip of her little finger.

'Haha Sausage ' I joked and realised.

'God  I won't be able to eat sausages tonight...but then again I have no idea where we are going' I said and could feel my cheeks flushing.

'You excited?' Fran said, her face always a little disappointed that I hadn't chosen Daniel, that she had hung in front of me for months, but had fallen for Hobi with no bait at all.

'Shitting myself, to be honest...it's the first date...and I feel like a shy school kid stuck in a forty-year-old body with a tiger-striped mum tummy and I haven't slept properly in about 4 years' I joked, but alas all the statements were true.

'You will be fine, just be yourself...and Kat ...I would love to have a body like yours ' Fran smiled.

Fran was a small frame, shorter than me, sweet as an apple, and always happy and she was beautiful, but I guess like most twenty-four-year-olds they had their own hangups.