I want to be an idle teen.

32.The day has come where I have died

Dazai stared off into the distance, eyes connecting to the brewing storm outside.

What did I do wrong?

Did the boy consider the lack of his attention a punishment?

Can't you figure them out without avoiding me?

A little hum left his lips, as the pouring rain mixed in with the sounds of the piano.

A pleasant thunder rang out at that exact second.

A foolish little tiger came to play in the beast's den.

The way those words made the pit in his stomach deepen, and the way that those two toned eyes seemed to be filled with worry, a certain sadness, drove him insane.

Perhaps, he was the one to blame, the brunet sighed thoughtfully.

Perhaps, he did not realise just how much effect it could have on the boy. For someone to give you constant affection and then slowly cut you off with little to no explanation.

Perhaps, it was like giving a kid drugs, keeping them hooked on the said drug and then giving smaller doses to a grown addict that you yourself made.

"Atsushi-kun." A little breath escaped his lips, as he reached out, alcohol already making his brain a bit fuzzy.

Poor little Atsushi.

He had to pull away. Because, even if he turned the boy into an addict, he by default got addicted as well.

And perhaps, he hoped , that the boy was the kind of addict that could stand withdrawal. He however, knew that he was anything but.

The more he had of the tiger, the more he wanted.

The boy was under his thumb, under his command, in his house , yet he wanted more.

Atsushi would smile at him, give him little waves whenever he glanced at the tiger in the office, Atsushi would return his drunken affection, tell him sweet little lies whenever he needed to hear them and yet, he craved more.

He didn't just want the tiger, the brunet chuckled to himself.

He wanted to own him.

In every way.

Soul, mind and body.

And that, that feeling was absolutely terrifying.

Osamu had a few fears. One, of becoming like Mori. Two, of being unable to fulfil his promise to Oda. And three, apparently, wanting someone so bad that it physically hurts to not touch them for longer than a day.

"Oh, what a tragedy." The man laughed again, as he took another sip. He had it. Had Atsushi. So close, close enough to reach out and grab. Yet his own selfish body and brain refused to let him.

There were too many what ifs.

What if he fucked the boy up?

What if he just manipulated Atsushi into caring for him?

What if Atsushi never knew love, and in turn, mistook finally being looked at that way as him needing to just man up and take responsibility for the "trouble" he caused?

What if he could never truly love him, in a way that Atsushi needed to be loved?

What if Atsushi liked Chuuya, and not him?

What if Chuuya liked him?

What if Chuuya deserved him more?

What if Chuuya could treat him much better?

What if Atsushi's love messed him up?

What if he took things too far?

What if he moved too fast?

What if he makes the wrong move?

What if he doesn't know how to show his care for the boy well enough to keep him?

What if he wasn't worth that love.

What if he was fucked up beyond repair.

What if, instead of the boy withering under his touch, he would wither under his caring palm?

The questions made his mind spiral, eyes watching the window.

A single flash of lightning, followed by a loud rumbling.

In a way, his head too, was filled by those same ugly gray clouds.

In a way, his hands were like the harsh rain. His touch the thunder, that could kill a human, if they ended up colliding.

What if…what if he doesn't deserve to feel this?

The feeling, although a curse, was also a blessing. It made him feel warm, after years of swimming in the cold ocean.

It made him feel human.

And he, he was but a smitten fool.

He knew that he should stay away. Push the boy away.

Yet he was too selfish for that, too knowing of himself to chew the bone, yet far too selfish to pass it on to another, he thought.

He wanted to, really. But even so, he pulled the boy closer as soon as he saw that sad glance. He pulled the boy closer, and in turn, dug the whole beneath them deeper too.

Maybe, if they both fall into the hole he dug, perhaps he'd feel it was fair.

He thought of those eyes, as he stood up.

Thought of the gentle touch that burned, as he walked towards the door.

Thought of the pretty face as he walked out of the office, unconsciously headed towards the boy's room, and…he blamed it on the alcohol.

It was most definitely the sweet taste of bourbon, that still lingered on his tongue that made him knock.

It was definitely the whiskey, that made him open the said door.

It was definitely the sour tasting drink that made him walk forward, to that curious gaze, stand in front of the boy's bed.

And it was surely the liquor, that made him wordlessly drop down on top of Atsushi and lay his head atop the boy's chest.

No words were spoken. The tiger's hand just lingered up, above his head, before he brought it into his hair with his own.

The tiger's fingers combed through his hair, like they had a few days ago.

And the tiger's soft little breath, his fast heartbeat, made the hole that he dug deep inside his chest, start to fill up, bit by bit.

"I can't figure it out." He whispered, voice hoarse and chuckle humorless.

"I…I may not be of much help, but I can try to help you figure it out, if it's bothering you that much." The tiger muttered, his voice as soft as his touch, as gentle as the rain that slowed down outside.

"You'll only make it worse." The man mumbled, as he laid there, the drum of the thunder and the drum of Atsushi's heartbeat mixing in to make a beautiful melody.

"But I'm fine with that." He voiced his thoughts, as he closed his eyes and hugged the boy closer, relaxing into that hold, body seemingly too content to move even an inch.

-RAN-
Dazai: What if I don't deserve him

Also Dazai: Fuck it, I don't deserve him but who gives a fuck *proceeds to kick Atsushi's door open and koala hug him again"