I want to be an idle teen.

39.Cruel life

"Was that….who I think it was?" Dazai asked, the front doors of his house snapping shut.

"How dare he ." The tiger's hoarse voice rang out, instead of an answer, as Chuuya finally sat him down on the couch of Dazai's living room.

It was strange to see Atsushi in this bad of a shape.

Not even during the punishment was he so frantic. Nor even during the training. Nor whilst getting berated. No, but as soon as he saw that corpse, it's like a switch was flipped.

" How dare he die. "

The statement made him look to Dazai, who's eyes shone in morbid curiosity, who's face spoke of both surprise and yet some sort of twisted interest in whatever was going on into their partner's head.

He knew that both of them were thinking the exact thing.

Was that the director from the files?

"Who allowed him to experience the bliss of death?" The tiger choked out, as he slammed his fist against the coffee table, making it move from its place, and Atsushi's hand immediately bruise.

"Atsushi, calm down. Get whoever that was out of your head." Chuuya ordered softly as he reached out to make the tiger look at him.

" No ! It's not fair. " He got out, through an almost gut wrenching wheeze of air that made his lungs seize and already thin body look even smaller.

"How come he gets to die and leave this hell, how come he gets to be forgiven for his sins and leave me blissfully behind, while I can't even sleep without his cold, disgusting eyes in my dreams!" Atsushi all but whispered as he drew back from the touch and tried to her away all together, scoring to the corner of the couch as Dazai followed his movement with his eyes only, interrupting even Chuuya when he tried to approach the tiger again, with a knowing look on his face.

"How come I'm here, left with the remainder of how awful he is, of his very miserable existence on my body, with the scars he drew into my skin, yet he leaves with not even an ounce of closure left for me!" He continued, tears of pure unfiltered anger , rage and thirst for revenge clear in those eyes of sunset, raging wars upon the world and cursing even gods themselves. The look was sort of heartbreaking, but more sobering than anything else. "He can't be dead. I refuse to believe it." The boy carried on, as he pulled his knees to his chest and knocked his forehead against them, trembling.

"He can't be gone in such a merciful way!" Dazai signalled for him to make rational moves and rational moves only, to give the boy room so he didn't accidently hurt either of them and make the situation even worse. "He deserves to live with all he's done, deserves to have his body crucified and left for days to watch the world move, yet to be stuck in place." The tiger grabbed his own hair and almost ripped it from his scalp, the grip getting inhumanly strong, which made him push Dazai forward, with the brunet immediately touching the boy's knee, just to get rid of the tiger for a second.

The last thing needed right now was Atsushi's insanely strong ability activating in the middle of his breakdown.

"He deserves hell . How come he gets to just…die?" The question was so terrifyingly dark, but after everything the boy's been through, this blind hatred, this red rage, it was understandable. Far beneath that surface level rage fell grief. Beneath those angry tears laid tears of sorrow. For a man that the tiger hated so much he despised the fact that the man got to die. 

"How come he gets to just die in such a normal way?" The tiger asked, deities, the sky, perhaps them, but they had no answer for the situation they could barely puzzle together. "How come he still had those creepy, dead eyes locked onto me even once he met his end!" And perhaps Chuuya just couldn't take it anymore. Perhaps he felt like he knew the feeling all too well.

"Why does he keep on following me everywhere !" And at that, he pulled the boy closer and allowed him to hit his chest, as hard as he possibly could, whilst sobbing. "Couldn't he just die at the orphanage that he so, oh, loved?!" He continued, sniffling, muffled little curses falling from those lips.

"Why did I have to witness that?"

And he also wondered why. The tiger didn't seem to be able to catch a break. And seeing Atsushi like this made him realize that he, although the more emotionally stable one, had no idea how to deal with this level of grief. Level of anger, yet sadness.

Now he knew what Dazai meant when he said that Atsushi seemed breakable. Seemed like a vase, held up on the tip of a shaky needle.

"Life is cruel. You'll go through so much more." Dazai opened his lips to speak, almost making him deck the man, before more words fell from the chapped lips of his friend. "So, let it out. Don't let it bubble under your skin, don't turn it off." The slightest bits and pieces of personal experience, advice from his own mistakes slipped through his tone.

"Just let go. Just scream, cry and do whatever the hell you need to feel alive." Dazai muttered softly as he continued to pet Atsushi's knee, kneeling down in front of the tiger, and making the boy peek from his arms, eyes red and swollen, filled with the kind of emotion that even he couldn't fully process.

"I want it to go away." The boy suddenly spoke, his voice filled with the kind of exhaustion that made him frown. Just how much trauma was inflicted upon this poor young man? What kind of sights did he witness, what kind of punishments did he get, to get shaken up this much.

"Make it stop." The tiger begged, defeatedly, as more tears ran down the boy's cheeks, his fingers reaching out for Dazai to come closer, which the man did.

"Make me forget. I….please. I can't take it. It's too much." He sniffled, weakly, as he looked towards Chuuya too, making the man bite down on his lip.

"How? If I can help, I'll do it. Anything. " The redhead promised, ushered, as he ran his fingers through the locks of messy silver hair, making the boy nervously look down, trying to figure out how as well.

"I have an idea." Dazai suddenly muttered, as he crawled on the couch and touched Atsushi's cheek, softly.

"Use us as a distraction." He spoke, ever so sweetly, as he caressed their lover's face.

"Just make me forget, if even for a second." Atsushi mumbled back through a tone that seemed lifeless, as lifeless as the corpse of the man who did this to the poor tiger.

He grit his teeth, but still gave in to the two, letting his hands trails round Atsushi's waist, face against the boy's back.

"We'll take care of you."