Unspeakable

Chapter 63: Answers

William looked over to the blond hair across from him in the dark, his mind roiling with thoughts. He'd agreed to sleep in the same bed as him, and they were living together. Most would think that meant they were partners, but they hadn't taken that final step into making it official.

If he was honest with himself... he was scared. He'd never had a true romantic relationship before. He'd never opened himself up to the hurt it could cause. He'd watched their mother cry in her bedroom more times than he could count as a child, and it had always made him vow to never fall in love. It was too painful, it was worse than any injury he could ever acquire in battle.

Fighting was easy. Fighting was safe. Love was the real danger.

He knew he had strong feelings for Connor. He'd thought that for a long time, but the way he'd protected him automatically during the fiendfyre had confirmed it for him. He'd been willing to die to protect him in that moment. He hadn't even had a second thought of letting his body burn to protect that sweet smile and sunshine hair.

Was this... okay? He'd always been expecting to marry a woman, but he'd never been thrilled with the idea. No woman had ever appealed to him, but Connor had always made those strange burning sensations in his gut.

When he'd brought him chocolate for the first time, saying he was pathetically inexperienced with the best things in life. That chocolate made everything better.

When he'd reassured him in the back of a dark alley, holding him after his father had burned his face, casting Episkey again and again. He'd seen Connor cry for the first time that day, and he learned he had hated the sight of his tears.

When his father had first insisted he practice his dark arts, the spells feeling like they were twisting his insides each time he used them. He had escaped to him more and more often in those times, Connor was the one thing that kept him sane.

"Just because you're using dark magic doesn't make you evil. It's your actions that dictate what kind of man you are. Not your magic."

Those words had shifted his world, had steeled him against his father's influence. It had saved him when he'd finally had to master flight, to use the darkness he'd gathered within him to propel himself off the ground. It had become shockingly easy for him to fly, now.

All that time, Connor had always been there for him.

But what had he ever done for Connor?

Now he knew that Connor had been pining away in secret for all those years. He'd loved him for so long, but had never said anything until recently. Had he been afraid he'd reject him? How ridiculous he could never reject Connor like that.

But he didn't know how he felt. He didn't know what love even felt like. How would he ever know that? He felt something, for certain. Some powerful emotion that filled him each time Connor smiled, each time he touched him. It made his head spin, his heart thrum in his chest. How would he ever know what he felt?

Maybe he should ask someone... but he didn't trust many people enough to ask that sort of thing. Diane would know, but she was so sweet and loved everyone. That was hardly the same to him. Who else?

He thought back to the battle, and the way Diane's lovers had pressed their foreheads together so tenderly. It had been a shocking moment for him, that they would so openly be affectionate around others. It has also shown him that her lovers also cared for each other, as well as her. A shocking and scandalous notion, for certain.

Perhaps... he could ask them? It would be awkward, but he had to know. He had to. He couldn't keep dancing around the subject like this, because he knew it was hurting Connor and he never wanted to hurt him.