In the Heart of Horizon (Sunset Avenues #4)

Chapter 35

Chapter 35 

Haunted 

Nineteen.. Twenty.. Twenty-one.. Twenty-two. And then somehow you wake up and realize that you are already in your thirties and everything has changed. In my case, I woke up perhaps in another dimension – where it was different from my dream and reality or maybe I was brought to the middle of it.

At the middle – where I contemplate about the past and the future. And I stirred in my sleep when I realized that I felt warmth at the same time soreness invading my body.

In medias res, in the midst of things. When I was young, I have always thought that life comes in a linear progression. You learn your lesson, you apply it and you become a better person. But I happened to be in a spiral of events and phases that shaped who I really am now.

I was twenty-two - that's the last time I have seen him. After a night of committing mistakes.. again and again. I have found myself breaking and building. Dying and living.

Patuloy ang pag-ring ng cellphone kaya ako nagising. Kaagad ang aking pagmulat nang maalala ang nangyari kagabi. You made a fool of yourself, Asia! You fell into that trap again! Tiningnan ko ang aking katabi. Kaagad ang aking paglunok nang napagtanto ang nangyari. Remember how you ran and how you'd willing to bleed yourself dry again and again.. for that one person.

It was an addiction. It was poisonous that I would find myself going back to him.

All of those memories came flashing. Ang pag-iwan ko sa kan'ya sa loob ng restaurant, ang nangyari sa hospital, ang pagpunta ko ng Hong Kong. Bren's attempt.. and then I looked at the other one laying on my side. I was supposed to go to college.

I ran as fast as I can. Tears are endlessly falling. You are a mistress, Asia. Alam mo nang may girlfriend siya hindi ba? The actress? But then you fell into Hazel's manipulation and you ended up with.. Nakita ko si Hazel sa pagbaba ko ng building, sa mismong condo tower ni Vance. She was holding a phone.

"You are ruined, cousin.." she whispered.

And I didn't know then how my world came crashing. Tinakpan ko ang aking bibig sa pagpipigil ng aking hikbi. When I returned from Hong Kong, I thought it was the best for me and it's easy for me to start again. But I am a fool and forever be a fool.

'Asia, you already destroyed your future..'

"Asia, anong nangyayari sa'yo? Nasusuka ka?"

"Aminin mo nga sa akin ang totoo? Kaya hindi ka makakuha-kuha ng medical certificate upang bumalik ng Hong Kong ay dahil buntis ka hindi ba? Buntis ka?"

I saw the disappointment on my sister's face then. Kasunod ng pagsampal niya sa akin.

"Matalino ka nga siguro pero ang bobo mo! At sino ang ama niyan? Ang Vivero'ng iyon?!"

Ayokong maniwala na buntis ako. Dahil para sa akin, ang magdalang tao na walang kinikilalang ama ang isisilang ay isang napakalaking pagkakamali sa parte ko. I considered myself as a failure.

That is the onset of all the consequences of my choices. Papa and I made reconciliation just for the sake of my child. Ganoon din si Ate pero alam kong sa loob nila ay naroon ang paninibugho. Lumipas man ang maraming taon at napabuti ko man ang buhay ko. Naiahon ko man ang sarili mula sa pagkakalugmok na iyon.

I was seven months pregnant when my mother visited me. I blamed her then. She proposed to get my child once he was born.. dahil siya ay may asawa at hindi ako pag-uusapan ng mga tao. Hindi na baleng siya ang paulit-ulit na pag-usapan, huwag na ako.

"Kung hindi.. kung hindi mo sana nagawa iyon, maayos sana ang buhay ko ngayon, Ma!"

"Ginawa mo iyan sa sarili mo, Asia. Huwag mo akong sisihin sa pagkakamaling ginawa mo. Hiwalay na kami ng papa mo, Asia. Iyon ang hindi mo matanggap, anak."