The Limit (Sebastian Vettel)

101. Lights out

"I keep wondering why I'm so cursed.  What must have I done in some previous life to deserve this?" Lily's voice trailed off.  The blonde woman sat opposite her stayed quiet, listening and occasionally jotting something down on her notepad.

After several seconds, the woman spoke. "You believe you're cursed?"

"My mother died minutes after giving birth to me. My father died when I was fourteen. My first serious relationship ended with him cheating on me, then becoming obssessed with me when I finished it.   He put my brother Joel in hospital.  Then years later he murdered my other brother while trying to kidnap me.  I think cursed is an appropriate word to describe my life."

"If that's the case would you not say your brother Joel is cursed also?"

"Eh?" Lily replied, confused.

"He lost both parents too. He got beat up. He lost a brother."

Lily frowned. She'd never thought of it like that before.

"I guess you could say that, but Joel wasn't responsible for these things. I killed Mum, and it was my ex that killed Damon."

The therapist made some more notes. Lily grabbed hold of the bottom of her team shirt in her hands and twisted the material tightly, her stress levels rising. 

"I'm fucked up. I can't love...well, I can, but I can't express that love as I'm afraid that if I do I will lose him."

"Sebastian?"

"Yeah."

"But you do love him?"

"More than anything. I want to tell him. I want to scream it from the rooftops, but something is stopping me. I've told him when he's been asleep but I just can't get the words out. If I do, I'll lose him. I know that's illogical, but it's how my brain's wired."

"Lily, love is always a risk."

Lily pondered for a moment. She guessed that was true. She feared that she'd lose Seb eventually because of her inability to tell him of her love. He deserved to be loved and cherished the way he loved and cherished her.

"Do you want to talk about your driving?"

Glad of the change of subject, Lily smiled.

"I love driving. It makes me feel alive. There's nothing like whizzing down the Hangar Straight, going around the Parabolica, flying through Eau Rouge flat out. When I'm one with the car I forget about everything else. That's the way it's always been. Until this year anyway..."

"You don't feel that way anymore?" Lily looked at the counsellor and shrugged. 

"Nope.  I feel nothing.  Apart from when I feel fear.  I hear him, Damon.   I hear him telling me I'm not good enough.  I hear his screams as he lays bleeding out."  She hesitated, thinking about what she wanted to say next.  "I've lost my spark, and I'm scared.  Not scared of crashing. Not scared of dying.   I'm scared I'll never get that spark back, that I'll never measure up to who people want me to be.  Seb thinks I'm going to be champion.   The team do too.  What if I can't be champion? What if I let everyone down?"

After the session had finished Lily headed back to her driver room, quietly slipping past Seb, Antti, Britta, Pippa and Joel, who were sat eating their lunch.   She didn't want to talk to them, especially Seb.   He would be asking her how her session had gone, and if she felt better.   He'd be fuss, fuss, fuss and that was the last thing she wanted.  Oh she knew it was because he cared, but it wasn't helping. 

She closed her driver room door behind her and walked over to her massage table and unzipped her helmet bag.   She pulled out her new helmet, the one that she'd be using for the coming season.