My Guardian Love

Chapter I

"Looks like everything turned out okay. Your scans were good. You should be set to be released next week." She smiled at me.
"Thank you." As she walked out the door, I couldn't help but feel like I wasn't set to stay home. Every time I am released, I am sent right back due to complications. Sometimes it feels like I live here and only get home visits. How can God be so cruel? No matter how much I prayed, I am still ill. I will never overcome this and I will die this way.
"I heard your scans were good. You will live a long healthy life, I promise." My mom said as she caressed the back of my head.
"It's hard to believe that. Sometimes I convince myself that I was meant to stay here forever." I reminded her all the time of this, but she never said anything. She always changed the topic.
"How about you eat something? Every time I see you, you get smaller."
"Being ill does that to you." I sat up.
"Eat this, it'll make you feel better." She always brought my favorite foods, but I was never hungry. In fact, everything made me sick. "You're not going to eat?" She looked upset.
"I will. I just don't like the feeling that comes after. They say I am getting better, but everything makes it worse." I looked down to avoid the eye contact. I cannot stand to see her like that. "Do you really believe I'm getting better?"
"I do. You're stronger than before. I can see it in your eyes. You can't lose hope." It took her a second to even come up with that. She knew as much as I did, that I was not getting better and that I would always be this way. I will die in this bed.

After a long day of check ups and emotional family members, I finally get peace. It is not the place I want to be, but I find comfort in being alone. I enjoy looking out the window to watch the flowers. I always imagined how it feels for other people that are just like me. The ones who are terminally ill with their fate set in place. The world is not kind, but I hope death greets me warmly.
I cannot remember the last time I felt this way. Painfully stuck in a loop of scans, needles, and doctors. The smell of it all makes me sick, but I have to do it. If it were my choice, I would leave and do everything I had not done before. I would skip treatments and let death take me sooner, just to feel alive again.
"I'm sorry, miss. I just need to do some check ups." The door opened and the doctor walked in.
"That's okay." As she checked my vitals and my heart, I suddenly felt at ease. It is great to hear good news in times like this.
"Everything looks okay. I'll leave you alone. I'll be back in an hour, okay?" She smiled.
"Mhm." I gave a weak smile and laid down.
Do they pity me? I hate the thought of it. I did not ask to be this way so the pity just seems unnecessary. Everyone has a chapter they do not say out loud, but mine was an audio book. It was read to the world. I wonder how it feels to have hope in the world again.

On the day I was set to go home, my dad visited. He didn't talk much, actually he didn't talk at all. I know he is upset about the circumstances, but the awkward silence was something I despised.
"Are you ready to go?" My mom folded my hospital gown and set them aside.
"It doesn't feel like I'm leaving this place. I might as well move in." I was angry, but no one cared. They never care about how I feel.
"I'm sure this time will be different. You'll only come back for treatments, okay?" She smiled.
"Okay. If thats really what you think." As we left the hospital, I was showered in gifts. Even though I'm terminally ill, I can still do things on my own. I feel normal even though I know I'm set to die soon. My mom still helps me with everything. "Don't lift anything heavy!" or "Don't stand up too fast!" Like I'm disabled. But I'm not. Honestly, nothing hurts. I'm just weak at certain points. I think I've gotten used to how this feels.

"Do you want to eat anything? I'm sure your dad has made something." My mom looked over from the drivers seat.
"I don't think I'm hungry." I was never hungry anymore.
"You need to eat. You can't just starve like that."
"I'm not starving. I just eat when my body tells me to." Honestly I didn't, but I would never tell her that.
"Alright, but if you get hungry, let me know. I'll stop somewhere." She looked back at the road.

When we arrived at home, it didn't feel like home. Just felt like vacation.
"Welcome home!" My dad came rushing out the door with a huge smile.
"Hi, dad." I hugged him like it was the last time I'd see him.
"I made all of your favorites. Are you hungry?"
"Not right now, but I'll eat later." There's that weak smile again. The one I give to everyone to lighten the mood.
"You need to eat something. You're getting so small and I'm getting worried." He laughed.
"I promise, I'm okay." I wonder if they believe me when I say it or if they just pretend. I've never believed my own lies as much as I want to. I just hope one day they become true.

"While you're here, I thought we could do something you like. Anything you want." My mom opened the door to my room. She sat on the bed.
"Can we go see Felix? I don't think I've seen him since I got hospitalized a month ago." That was my brother. We used to be close until I was diagnosed. I guess he got so scared of the pain, that he left.
"Of course. He asks about you all the time, you know?" Did he?
"I'll call him myself. We have a lot to catch up on anyways." She kissed my forehead and left.
I didn't want to call. I cut contact because I didn't think I'd live this long. I know he's my brother, but I didn't want him to hurt too much when death finally takes me home.

I stared at the phone and debated on the call. It was pretty late so I wasn't sure he'd answer. Should I leave it until morning? I probably shouldn't.
"Hey." There was a pause before he answered.
"Hi, Nina. Is everything okay? I haven't heard from you."
"Everythings fine. I was wondering if I could visit. I know it's been a while, but I've been going through treatment." It was no excuse to not call, but I could never tell him the real reason.
"You don't have to ask. We're family. I always want to see you. I'm not mad that you didn't reach out. You have your reasons." I paused for a second to gather the courage to tell him why.
"Actually, you should be upset. We're family and I never thought to pick up the phone. I'm sorry." I was ashamed for cutting contact, but I'll always be scared.
"I'm not upset or angry. I'm happy you called. It's pretty late and you need your rest so I'm going to spare your time. Call me anytime you want, okay?"
"Mhm. Goodnight." I hung up and stared at the ceiling. They kept the stars on them after all this time. I'm afraid of facing my brother. I'm afraid of facing my illness. I'm afraid of the fate that I've been met with. What happens when my heart gives out? Where do I go? And how will I ever feel comfortable in an unknown place? Questions that I never want to answer, but will have the answer to in just a few short months. Is death kinder than humanity?