My Guardian Love

Chapter III

There's one thing that I know for sure, I am weak and I will continue to get weaker everyday. Sometimes when I am hooked up to machines like this, I wonder how everyone else feels looking from the outside. In my mind, I am not here. I am somewhere else, somewhere peaceful and comforting. I often dream when I am in this state. Like an out of body experience. It almost feels like I am dead for just a moment. If being dead felt like this, I do not think I would mind. Honestly, I prefer being like this. It feels freeing, I do as I please. I am currently laying in a bed, unable to breathe on my own, but to me I am running through a garden. I'm not sure what's on the other side, but it seems to go on forever. There's never an end.

I can feel someone grabbing my hand and squeezing it tightly. I cannot move. "You're going to be okay. You just have to push through." I can't seem to tell whos voice that is, but they seem upset. I want to comfort them, but I can't.
"Is she awake?" Another unfamiliar yet familiar voice asks.
"No, she's not." I'm trying to open my eyes. I want everyone to know, I'm okay.
"I'm going to step outside for a moment. Stay with her, please." I hear the door open and shut. They're grabbing my hand again, but this time, even more tightly. My body feels cold, but their hand is warm enough to make me forget.

I suddenly gain the strength to open my eyes. I can't keep them open for long, but I look at my brother for a split second. I am able to form the words, "It's okay." My eyes fall shut again and I am back in my imaginary garden.
"Please open your eyes again. I can't stand seeing you like this." He's crying again. His tears fall on my hand. I gain the strength to move my fingers. It's not much, but I can do it. "There you go. Keep doing that!" He raises his voice. I move them a bit more, but they instantly fall weak. "Come on." I give up. I am too weak to do any of this and I am tired.

I suddenly feel my eyes open again and I have the strength to keep them open this time. Felix is passed out next to me. It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but I look at the clock. The time reads 2:22 a.m. I sit up carefully, I am still dizzy.
"You're awake." He raises up and stretches his arms. "I was worried you wouldn't wake up."
"Death is going to have to try a bit harder than that." I smile and grab his hand. I swing my legs over to the other side and get up from my spot.
"Where are you going?" He raises his eyebrows.
"I'm going to take a walk. I'll be back." I grab the monitor.
"Let me go with you. You can't go by yourself."
"It's okay. I won't go outside. If something happens, there's plenty of doctors here that will take care of me." I pat his head and began walking out the door.

I walked down the hall and greeted the people I seen. I'm here so much that they are like family to me. I observed the other patients. I always wondered if they were sick like me or if they get to go home soon. Questions like that were all I could think about.
"Excuse me." I heard a man's voice from behind me. I turned around to see a boy who looked around my age. He was wearing a gown just like me. "Where's the bathrooms at? I just got here and I don't know my way around." I knew this place like the back of my hand.
"Down that hallway, at the end, to the left." I pointed around to give visual directions.
"Thank you so much." He bowed to me and walked away. He wasn't from here. He had good manners and was very respectful.

I turned around and walked some more, looking out the windows. Occasionally, I stopped for breaks. My legs were still a bit tired. On my way back to my room, I ran into the same boy from earlier. "I keep bumping into you." He smiled and laughed a bit.
"It's a small hospital." I smiled back. "I don't think I've seen you here before though."
"I just got here today. I'm always here for treatment through, but I don't stay too long." Must be nice to go home after.
"I practically live here." I looked down.
"Since we haven't met, I'll introduce myself. My names Chan." He definitely wasn't from here. I had never heard that name.
"Mines Nina." I shook his hand. "Also, I've never heard that name before. Where're you from?"
"Korea. I moved here when I was young."
"Are you here with family?" I asked. I know it's rude to pry, but something draws me to him. Not in a way like love does, but almost as if I've known him my whole life.
"Mhm. My mom is in my room. Although I don't live with them, they take care of me." He pointed to his room which was right next to mine.
"Ah I see. Well, my room's right there. If you need anything, knock on the door." I smiled and walked away.

As I went back down the hall, I greeted my brother. "Are you leaving?"
"No, I have to go get a few things, but I'll be back." He hugged me and walked towards the door. I closed the door behind me and opened my window. Although it was late, I wasn't tired. I'm exhausted all the time, but never tired enough to sleep. My dreams turn into nightmares so it's easier to avoid it.
"I'm tired! I'm scared!" I screamed out the window. "If you're going to take me, just do it already! I don't want to fight anymore!" I was angry. "How can you be so cruel? Why me?" I don't want to suffer anymore. I know my fate, why do I have to push when I know it's all for nothing? "Just get it over with!" I got up and closed the window. I laid in bed staring at the ceiling.

No matter how much pain I was in, no matter how much I prayed, it never went away. If there is a God, my pain wouldn't exist. There's no way he would put me through all of this. I wanted to curse his name and say he did a terrible job, but maybe there was something I did to deserve this. Every ounce of hope I had was gone. I just want to end it here.