Book 3/3
Life is finally settling down, the tour ends, and they're back in L.A. Maddie and Billie think their lives are calm, but they never thought about how hard it would be to plan a wedding, and they never realized how much their schedules would...
I filmed for Vanity Fair yesterday and I haven't spoken to anyone since I left the studio, I can only take so much and that really pushed me over the limit. The last two interviews I've been with Maddie and seeing me talk about her, and knowing that I'm not with her anymore, hurt. I had to pretend that I was happy though with the 'choice' that I made.
I've realized that I've handled this horribly. I wished I told Maddie the truth, that way she would know that I'm not willingly doing this, but if I told her the truth that would hurt her just as bad as what's happening now, the only difference is that she doesn't have to see it first hand.
She also texted me and asked what to say in a Vogue interview about us, I didn't know what to tell her so I just agreed with what she said. Her name is still shorty in my phone and always will be.
I'm supposed to go out with Jesse today and he's on his way here right now, I've bought some things for my house, so it doesn't look like I just moved in. I have minimal furniture. The record label is so very kind and generous for giving me a whole week to furnish my entire house.
I'm dressed and ready to go, we're going furniture shopping. Surprisingly I'm not entirely angry at this, I need to go and I don't want to go alone. I just know that paparazzi is going to find us and then after that, Maddie is going to see it and then I don't know how she's going to react to that.
I'm handling this situation like this because I think it was the best thing I could do. I have hope that Maddie will hear me out when all this is over, but I know I hurt her. Bad. I don't blame her if she doesn't. I've realized that me having hope is actually fucking delusional, and I should just close that chapter of my life. But I didn't think I would have another chapter of my life where Maddie wasn't right by my side.
There was a knock on my door and I opened it.
Jesse: "Hi angel."
Billie: "Don't call me that."
Jesse: "You ready to go?"
I nod and walk to his car, this is the first time I've been in his car. The whole car smells like him. The only reason I know what he smells like is because of the jacket he put over me when we were going to the hospital. I still can't believe he took me to the hospital.
Jesse: "What are you thinking about?"
Billie: "How your car smells like you."
Jesse: "Smells good, huh?" He smirked.
Cocky motherfucker.
Billie: "Whatever you gotta tell yourself."
Jesse: "How do you know what I smell like? You've never been in close enough proximity to me to know. You make sure to keep your distance."
Billie: "The day you took me to hospital. You put a jacket or something over me and it smelled like this. I later found out that it was you who took me."
Jesse: "Oh. I know that I'll never be your favorite person. I really am glad that you're okay."
Billie: "Yeah, me too."
We get to the heart of Hollywood 30 minutes later. I'm dreading going out there.
Jesse: "To make the label happy we either have to call paparazzi or post something ourselves. Paparazzi is invasive as hell, I think we should just post something ourselves so we can shop in peace."
Finally said something smart.
Billie: "Okay."
Jesse nodded and got out of the car, he opened my door for me. I used to do all this shit for Maddie, it feels nice having this done for me. Not that she never did this, I would just always insist on doing it for her.
We walk along the street before we reach the store we're going to. There's a reflective window or something. Jesse stops and we take a picture.
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I turn off my phone because quite frankly, I don't want to see anything after that. We walk into some vintage furniture store and nothing is really catching my eye, I can tell Jesse is bored out of his mind though.
Billie: "Trust me, I'm not having fun with you either."
Jesse: "Ouch. I'm not even bored, we've been in the same section for so long."
Billie: "I'll stand here for another hour if it's making you miserable."
Jesse: "Oh, in that case, I'm having a ball."
I roll my eyes.
We spent about another hour in the store, I ordered everything that I wanted and it will be shipped to my house in about a week, so that's exciting. We walked out the door and my phone dinged.
Finneas
The label wants a single, Which song?
Therefore I am.
Okay.
Read at 4:41P.M.
Jesse takes me back home and I sit at home for an hour or so before I start recording another song, even if this song doesn't make it on my album, I just feel like writing right now.
...
I actually ended up writing two songs, and a letter to Maddie. I doubt I'll ever give it to her but I want to tell her the truth so bad. I feel like the truth isn't even good enough anymore.
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