Book 3/3
Life is finally settling down, the tour ends, and they're back in L.A. Maddie and Billie think their lives are calm, but they never thought about how hard it would be to plan a wedding, and they never realized how much their schedules would...
It's been a week since I've seen Billie and I can't stop thinking about her of course, I'm also really conflicted with her coming here and with her planning to see me.
Nothing makes sense to me though, she broke up with me because she read my journal and because she was flirting with Jesse while she was at the studio. But yet she's saying she can't live without me and she needs me in her life.
I can't stop thinking about her.
I'm shooting today with Holden and I feel weird about it, and I need to tell him that I'm not ready for anything and that it'll never be him. That's mean, but I want to fight for Billie back, and I hate ever getting involved with Holden like this.
I remember telling Billie that I hate that Kenzie and Holden mixed business and pleasure, because Holden stopped liking Kenzie because Kenzie was being mean to me, and then that jeopardized their relationship.
Via Instagram:
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Liked by: photosbyholden, claudiasulewski, and 4,526,252 others.
madisonvoyage: shoot day 📸
claudiasulewski: gorg
mvupdates: cutie
Billie said that it wasn't her choice to break up with me, which what the fuck does that mean? She left me on a random fucking Tuesday. This whole situation is messy and I need the truth immediately.
I finish getting ready and packing for the shoot that Holden and I are doing, he should be here any minute. I also let the dogs out before I leave.
As the dogs are scrambling back into the house I see Holden closing the door, he has flowers in his hand. I smile at him. I know I don't want anything more with him, but he is an extremely sweet guy. Extremely sweet.
I make my way over to him and he hands me the flowers. I smile at him and he leans down to kiss me. He smiles into the kiss, I pull away a couple of seconds later.
It's a half-hour drive to where we're shooting, and of course, I love shooting with Holden but I haven't had time to myself recently and every day I have something going on. This is what I wanted though, while I was trying to plan the wedding, that's what my time was dedicated to, so now that's done, I have time to do things for my career.
I know that Billie said she's going to make this better and I've been thinking about that nonstop. I truly don't see how she's going to make this better; she's the one who made it like this to begin with.
Deep down inside I wish Holden never heard what Kenzie had to say about me, and I wish I never heard it either. It's strange missing people who've hurt me, but it's hard to get used to my life without them.
I love my new manager, and my career looks great. Kenzie and I had more in common though, my manager now is straight business, and nothing is fun about that.
We get to the spot where we're shooting and it's beautiful of course. Holden has always had an eye for special places. There's a restroom that's off the trail so I can change into different outfits.
Holden's photography has come a long way, his techniques have also changed with time. It used to be straight to the point, but now he has a lot of fun with it. I feel like I kind of intimidated him at first with such a 'big' opportunity straight out of college, but he's stepped up to the plate wonderfully.
We shoot for almost two hours before we end back up at my house, Holden is editing the pictures and I'm finishing up my YouTube video for tomorrow. Holden is sitting at the island and I'm sitting on the couch with the dogs.
I don't know what Billie means by she's going to make this better. Even though I'm willing to fight for her back, which is insane because she broke up with me. I just can't imagine anyone else in her spot, she's the only one I want. It's her or no one.
She is my first love, and I want her to be my last. She's perfect for me, I just don't know why I couldn't be perfect for her.
I finished editing my video in about an hour, I played with the dogs outside after. I was sitting on one of the pool chairs before I heard the door open and Holden joined me.
Holden: "You good?"
I nodded.
Holden: "Maddie."
I can't tell him that I've seen Billie since the party, what if he goes rogue and leaks it to the media just as Kenzie did? I don't think that he would do that, but I know I can't tell him anything.
Maddie: "I feel.. bad."
Holden: "Why?"
Maddie: "For what I'm doing to you."
Holden: "What do you mean?"
Maddie: "I still think about Billie."
Holden: "I know."
I look at him.
Holden: "Why do you feel bad?"
I shrug.
Holden: "I'm not sure where you're going with this Maddie, I'm aware of the fact that you and Billie just broke up. That was your fiancée, and before that, that was your girlfriend of a few years. I don't know if you feel.. pressure from us kissing a few times. But don't, there's no need."
I look at him.
Holden: "I know you kissed me first in New York, I should've backed away. Not because I didn't want to, but because it was wrong. You were engaged, I don't know how the timing worked like that, because what if you and Billie didn't break up that day? There would just be this impending guilt on both of us."
Maddie: "But what about Paris?"
Holden: "Beautiful city with a beautiful girl, I loved that trip. I tried to see it through, but you're not over Billie, you're not fooling anyone and you're especially not fooling me. I don't want to be casual with you, only because it's tearing you up. You need time, you don't need me."
I'm looking at him as he talks to me, he is the most understanding guy I have ever met. He deserves someone great, it's not me though.
Maddie: "I'm not over Billie, and I'm not sure if I ever will be. I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm sorry."
Holden: "Don't be sorry, we both learned from it. I wouldn't take anything back."
I smiled at him and he bent down and hugged me.
Holden: "I am gonna go though, I have a shoot tomorrow as well with some TikTok people."
Maddie: "Have fun."
Holden: "I'll try my best."
---------------------------
didn't mean to disappear for 2 months, my life has been off the rails ngl.
