Our Forever (BILLIE EILISH)

- T w e n t y n i n e -

November 19th

Billie's POV:

Maddie saying that I'm past the point of repair has me extremely fucking worried, I write her letters damn near on the daily and I think my master plan is to send them when the album is done. Maddie gets really defensive, especially if her emotions are involved and with me, her emotions are definitely involved.

If my album gets signed off on tomorrow then it'll come out in the summertime, and if everything works out in my favor then Maddie and I will be back where I need us to be.

I should've left her alone though, seeing her and using the dogs as a middle ground was reckless. She said that if I stood my ground and committed to the choice that I made then maybe I could've fixed it.

I told her that I wanted to make this better and I asked her to trust me, and then she saw the pictures outside Jesse's house and I know that felt like a punch in the gut because that's exactly what I felt when I saw the pictures of her and Holden in Paris. I don't want her to associate Paris with Holden, I want her to think about Paris when we went together.

It's selfish really, I don't want her having these 'firsts' with Holden because everything that she's doing with him, she's already done with me. I don't want her to forget what we did.

Maddie has had a lot of growth over the years that I've known her, she used to be so scared of love and everything that had to do with it. I got her to trust and love me, just for my record label to do this to her.

My phone started ringing and it was Finneas.

Billie: "Yeah?"

Finneas: "Come to the studio, urgent."

Billie: "Everything okay?"

Finneas: "It could've been."

Billie: "What do you mean?"

Finneas: "Just please get here."

Billie: "Okay."

Call ended.

I make my way to the studio pretty much immediately, we had a meeting anyway today it was just later. It's not like Finneas to be short with me. Ever since FInneas and I argued about how the record label made me break up with Maddie, there's been some tension between us.

I walked into the studio and I was going to go to the sound booth because that's where I assumed Finneas was, but I saw him and the whole record team sitting in a conference room. I opened the door and I didn't even have to sit down before they started going in on me.

"I thought we told you to break up with her?"

Billie: "You snitched on me?" I looked at Tom.

Finneas: "He knew?"

Billie: "He gave me semi-approval."

"What?"

Tom: "She wanted to see the dogs, I didn't see a problem with that."

"You were with her four days ago after the pictures leaked with Jesse."

Billie: "How do you guys know that?"

Finneas: "You didn't turn your location off."

Billie: "You snitched on me?"

Finneas: "We're so fucking close to the finish line Billie, and you're playing with fire. You said that you did everything in your power to make Maddie hate you so she would leave you alone, why do you keep going back? Why are you doing this to her?"

Billie: "Because I love her and I want to be with her!"

Finneas: "You're making shit harder."

Billie: "You've never been in the situation that I'm in, I'm doing the best that I can."

FInneas: "You're not Billie, and I hate to say that to you because you're my sister and I love you. You're managing this situation terribly, you're scared that Maddie is going to move on because you can't tell her the truth when you hope that you can get her back. I agree with you that the label should NOT have this much control over your personal life, but you've already committed to breaking up with her and dating Jesse, I just don't get why you can't see it through."

Billie: "I wasn't given a choice. I was told to break up with Maddie and if I didn't I was going to get dropped. They could've told me to push the wedding back-"

Finneas: "Maddie told you countless times to push the wedding back and you never did, it took fucking Kenzie leaking literally EVERYTHING for you to finally push it back."

Billie: "This is so unfair."

I see Jesse walk past the room and he sees me as well.

Jesse: "Hey, I didn't know you were here." He pulled me into his side and kissed the side of my head.

Billie: "Just getting lectured but what's new?"

Billie: "Am I done here? I want to leave."

"Don't do this again."

Billie: "Sign off on my album tomorrow and I won't have to." I walked out with Jesse.

Jesse: "What was that about?"

Billie: "I have to tell you something?"

Jesse: "What?"

Billie: "I've seen Maddie a few times."

Jesse: "Oh?"

Billie: "Yeah, first it was just for the dogs but I realized that it wasn't for them, entirely."

Jesse: "Why have you been seeing her? You know we both have a lot on the line, why would you jeopardize both of us like that?"

Billie: "I was sneaky, I was safe-"

Jesse: "That doesn't make it better Bil, you going to see her is probably just confusing her. She doesn't know the truth, you don't see it how she does, at all."

Billie: "I didn't want to be in this situation at all, Jess." I sniffle a sob.

Jesse: "Your album will probably get singed off on tomorrow, then the end of us will probably be next week."

Billie: "My album wouldn't come out until summer." I sob into him.

Jesse: "I'm not that bad Bil, I wish you would see."

Billie: "I never said that you were bad, you're just not her."

All he did was sigh.

...

I ended up going home on my own, I feel so betrayed. Maddie said I'm past the point of no return, Finneas snitched on me to the label who's basically my enemy now. The label is going to make me stay with Jesse until my album has been out for a while. They didn't say how long a while was.

I'm debating everything, I risked everything just to see Maddie. I did all that to make sure we were good, but she just told me that there was no point. If I knew there was no point then I wouldn't have risked everything.

I'm upset with myself, and there's nothing I can even do to fix it.

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its always a small victory, massive defeat

thanks ily

words: 1125.