Our Forever (BILLIE EILISH)

- L e t t e r s -

October 12th

I'm not even sure what I benefit from doing this honestly. I didn't know what to do shorty. I wanted to tell you the truth the second you called me when you were in New York, but I didn't want you to sit here and try to make shit better when shit couldn't be better.

The label made me be public with Jesse. I lied to you so bad, I didn't want to lie; I hate lying to you. I just felt like that was the only thing I could do. I feel like if I told you the truth, we would still see each other and then the label would find out and it would just make shit harder than what it already is.

I don't know if you're ever going to see these, or if I'm ever going to give them to you. I intend to give them to you, I just don't know if that's the right thing to do either.

I keep doing the wrong thing when it comes to you. I lied to you, I broke your trust, I'm stubborn as hell. I'm just not good enough for you right now. Whether that be the label's fault or my own. I just want to be better for you but I don't know how.

bil

October 14th

I hate that you called me and I hate that I answered. I'm supposed to be standing my ground with you, I have to keep you at a distance so I can finish my album and make the record label happy. After this album I will be getting a new record label because my contract ends anyway.

I hate how broken you sounded, and I hate that I know that I'm the reason you're like this. I didn't want it to be like this, if I could make it better I would. I told the record label that I have nothing left to fight for and they literally smirked. They get off on making my life torture I guess.

bil

October 19th

I wrote songs today even if they don't make it on the album. I just feel heartbroken and I know you feel the same way. I didn't lie to you about reading your journal I did do that, and I regret it. I shouldn't have used it against you, but I needed something to make my story believable. I wanted you to hate me, so you would stay away from me because I thought that would make this whole thing easier but it just made it a million times worse. All I want is to see you, and to hold you, and to kiss you. All I want is you, this is fucking bullshit.

I did read your journal though, and you were talking about me having doubts. I was in denial at the time, but I did have doubts. I would never admit that to you out loud. I talked with Finneas right after I read that and he was telling me that we needed to have a serious talk about like prenups and what happens if we do divorce, I know he was trying to help me but that scared the shit out of me, because we weren't even married yet so why did we have to talk about divorce? What if we didn't agree and that would just make shit even harder.

I'm rambling, I'm sorry.

bil

October 25th

I know you're in Paris for fashion week, I know everything isn't about me but it feels like I've ruined everything. I'm not there and now your career is finally getting back on track. I feel like I wasted your time, I should have been more aware of how much time you were spending on the wedding and trying to build your team (congrats on your team btw, couldn't be prouder) I was just oblivious, and caught up in my own life.

I could say sorry a million different ways but it's just not good enough.

bil