𝘐𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘚𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 // 𝘋𝘢𝘳𝘺𝘭 𝘋𝘪𝘹𝘰𝘯

ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴏᴋᴀʏ ᴛᴏ ᴄʀʏ

The fear of being loved has always judged every decision I've made. It creates a lump at the back of my throat that won't budge. And makes it harder to let people in then it really should be.

I think what scared me most was the thought of someone loving me the way my mom loved me. That if someone loved me that much, they would leave me one day just like she did.

But Carol said it herself, Daryl doesn't leave.

He lays next to me, his head resting on my chest heavily. Soft snores and the sound of birds outside make me smile. It feels like this is what I was made for, like everything that has ever happened is suddenly made up for because I got what I wanted in the end.

"Scar?" His voice makes me jump, causing him to wrap and arm around my waist even tighter. "How long ya been awake?"

A smile still on my face, I lift my hand to play with his hair, flicking tiny pieces through my bruised skin. "Not long."

Letting out a sigh, Daryl pushes himself closer, stuffing his face deeply and groaning. I let out a loud laugh, shaking my head. "What's wrong with you now?"

"Ya never wake me up" he mumbles against my skin.

"You look so peaceful when you sleep though" Daryl lifts his head, batting his eyelashes twice.

"I'd rather be awake"

"Mmm why's that?"

A small grin appears on his face, "get to spend time with ya"

Smacking him playfully on the chest, he falls back onto his back beside me. Both of us have blushes on our faces but don't attempt to hide them like we once did.

"Ya feelin any better?" Giggling at his accent I shake my head. I feel like shit actually, more so mentally too. Because Daryl doesn't know why I'm in so much pain. That I wasn't the only person that suffered in the forest that day.

I keep ignoring it, thinking that if I push it down enough, numbness will just last forever. But I know me and I know it will only last for a little. I can't keep something like this away forever, but the thought of speaking those words out loud, finally accepting what I lost, makes me sick.

"I'll probably feel better tomorrow" I lie, quickly looking away from him and to the window by the door. It looks hot outside, summer is in full swing. It's crazy how fast time is flying. 

We've been in this cabin for exactly two days now. I have yet to tell Daryl about Terminus, I don't know if it's because I'm scared it'll all be a joke, or because I'll have to see yet another family member dead.

 "We finally gonna leave today?" Daryl asks besides me even though he knows my answer. He asked me the same thing yesterday morning and I said no. It seems like I'm afraid of everything lately.

I cough out a quiet yes, quickly sitting up and out of the bed. Standing up, I feel dizzy for a second, the whole room spinning from underneath me. It's not until Daryl places an arm on my shoulder that I steady. Breathing comes out harsh as I walk across the room slowly, ignoring Daryl calling out my name behind me.

"Scarlet?" He asks in a worried tone. "Ya need to sit down" He suggests.

 Suddenly tears fill my eyes, tears that I didn't know I had to let out. Shaking my head, a white nose fills my ears, making his deep voice sound like static. The only thing I can hear clearly is my own heart, bumping rapidly as I mutter my words, my mouth going numb.

"How?" It comes out as a faint cry, my voice running squeaky. When I look at Daryl there's two of him looking back at me.

 I ask again, "How?"

"What?" Daryl spits out.

"How can you be okay with all of this?" Flailing my arms around the cabin, I suddenly feel very small. "How can you act like this isn't bothering you, like telling me you love me was all you needed to be okay?"

He opens his mouth to speak but I cut him short, not quite done. "We lost people Daryl, we lost family." My whole body shakes now, "And no amount of "love yous" will change that, we can't act like this is normal." Gesturing between us, he flinches at my words, almost like I've hurt him.

"You 're right Daryl, I'm weak, I don't know what it's like to fend for myself, I need people."

Daryl tries to take a step forward but stops, my next words cutting him short.

 "But the truth is, when people need me they die, Hershel died, Ava died, our baby died-" Air catches in his breath, making his chest jump and his jaw fall. The grip on the blanket falls and he seems to slump.

"I can't lose you" I declare as I stalk around the room, shaking my head still. "So we need to stop, no matter how much we love each other, you need to stop caring about me so I can stop worrying"

 I never thought I could sound so much like my dad..

My fantasy of becoming a doctor fell short after my first trip to the hospital. I had no clue what was truly happening but I wasn't dumb either. Because even though I was only 6, I knew a bruise on my moms face and bloody knuckles on my dads hand could only mean one thing. That my childhood was over.

I wish I could say I live in the present, that I don't let my pass follow me. But I'd be lying. That's just what happens though, habits you pick up in childhood become everyday habits that you will always carry. Like playing with the ends of my sleeves or feeling sick at the smell of liquor. I wasn't born like this, I was mended into this.

The leaves underneath my boots make a crinkle noise as we walk along the road. The sun beams brightly, burning my ivory skin. Daryl hasn't spoken a word to me since we've left the cabin, and even then he just mumbled something about going, picking up his crossbow, he didn't even look to see if I was following.

I don't blame him though, I know what I did was wrong. I never said I was good at handling my emotions. And he deserved better, to find out about all of it better. I wish I could say I'm sorry, but then I'd break his silence. And breaking Daryl Dixon's silence is like shooting him with his very own arrow.

The trees sway, a light breeze somewhat helping us keep up the same fast pace. I'm not sure Daryl knows where he's headed but I know he's the one who knows directions better than anyone I've ever met.

"Daryl?"

He stops suddenly, his jaw shut tight. He just half nods, keeping his eyes ahead.

"Did you see the Termin-"

"Terminus? Ya I saw." He sends me a glare, stomping away from me quickly.

Rolling my eyes, I continue behind him, my eyes never leaving the back of his head. This is your fault.

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SORRY I KNOW THIS WAS A REALLY SHORT CHAPTER!! NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE VERY LONG SO I WANTED TO SPACE IT OUT A BIT.