The Soul of a Dragon

Chapter 53

Hiccup

I don't know why I did what I did. I am such an idiot. My head is starting to hurt from pressing it against the cold and unrelenting surface of a boulder. How long have I been in this position? I choose not to answer that question. (For a very long time.)

Why didn't I tell her I was leaving? I could have said something like "I have trading business I need to attend to" or a more leisurely "There have been some misunderstandings between different clans and I need to handle that as a chief". But of course smooth answers only come to mind after the possibility to say them is over.

Who am I kidding, those reasons suck. They suck like I do. Gods, I should have just told her how I feel. Because I feel nervous. Angsty. Exhilarated. She's like one of those sweet and seemingly impossible dreams you love to have and hate to wake up from - and said dream has become possible. Which feels impossible.

I groan in frustration and Toothless lifts his head with a dragon expression that's equivalent to "what the fuck, dude?". I did, in fact, have business I needed to attend to. Was said business related to trading or inter-clan disparities? Not even remotely. No, said business is this: banging my head against a fricking stone and being the same fucking cowardly weakling I have always been. Why is it so hard to explain my feelings? Probably because I don't know what I am feeling nor doing most of the time. I do know that it gets dark sometimes. Not the sky, like it is now enlightened with flickering stars. My own mind darkens from time to time. And I don't know why. I recognise triggers and certain thoughts and patterns - but I don't know how to handle them. I used to think I had it under control but it has gotten worse during the time Vara was gone. I don't have it under control whatsoever.

Yet...Vara is like a light in those dark clouds. The sun rising to the sky, shooing the storms away. But how can I, in good conscience, burden her with my darkness? I cannot put on a mask the entire time. Especially with her. I desperately want her to see the real me; I want her to see me and accept me. Love me. Yet I am so so afraid. Hence the running away.

I told everyone I would return tomorrow. My hands are already clammy from the cold sweat that is breaking out on my skin. The last few days have been easy - sneaking away with her despite our busy schedules. Kissing. Feeling each other. Breathing each other in. I remember the words I whispered against her excruciatingly soft lips and how a blush rose up her cheeks, "I want to do that again. And again, and again, and again. With you; only you."

Rarely, in my whole life, have words held so much truth. Because I want to do that again with her and only her. In fact, I want to do everything only with her. I want to experience life only with her by my side.

I need to tell her that. I can't lose her. Not again. Never again. I need to tell her tomorrow.