The scarlet eyes revenged

A pit of nothing

(1 year & 7 months ago)

Is he drowning in this emptiness as I am? Or has his heart stopped feeling any emotions at all? I can't even tell if my brother knows what he's doing anymore. He's so lost in revenge and rage, it's consumed him so much he only has his sights on his new mission. Well it's always been his mission, mine to.

We finished finding the eyes of our clan. Well most of them anyways. I believe there are still a couple scattered but we will find them to. My mission from the beginning was to find the phantom troupe and destroy them as they destroyed me. My family. My brother.
I look over at him, his blonde hair brushes against the top of his shoulder as he hunches over his phone. Even though the light from the screen brightens his face there's a darkness that will never leave. His eyes hold no emotion.

We have been trying to track the phantom troupe these past few months. They have scattered separately. Which can be good. We can be able to kill them without worrying about being out numbered. But we cannot forget that they are some of the most dangerous bandits out there.

I drop my eyes to my hands cupped together. I haven't told Kurapika that Chrollo actually helped me on the mission he sent me on. I can't tell him that the boss of the spiders was the reason we were successful. And I definitely can not tell him that something inside of me sparks and flames when I see him. That I came face to face with him, and let him walk away. I will never tell my brother that I let the man he hates the most, live.

Ever since leaving Chrollo and letting this darkness slip back inside of me, I have felt a heaviness in my stomach that refuses to leave. Maybe it's my blackened heart sitting in the pit. A grave in my core. Having known that small spark of joy I felt with him, I now have a war in my brain at all times. How could I love- scratch that, even come close to liking him when I hate him. Or I did hate him. But why would my brain allow such a feeling? Maybe because it's not my brain but my heart. And I hate that... because the only man that holds my heart is Kakashi.

And right now I so desperately want his arms wrapped around me and my face smothered in his chest. I want to feel his warmth and the safety in his hold. I need him... and I feel my heart cracking when I realize that I have betrayed him with letting Chrollo even touch a piece of my heart.

"What's going on in your head?" My brother's voice pulled me from my spiral.
"Oh just, thinking of our next mission." I say quietly.
He stared at me for a moment like he didn't quite believe me, then said, "I'll need you ready for interrogation when we go."
"Is that what I am now? An interrogator?" There was a bite in my words I let slip.
"And torturer." Humor laced his.

I narrowed my eyes at him. Because even if he had humor in his words, it was true. I do in a way question people and bring them pain. And each time i torture and kill someone, a piece of myself dies with them. Before, I felt the darkness slipping inside myself. It made my stomach churn and a terror birth within me at the thought of what I would become. But now, knowing I had joy and laughter a couple months ago and my heart had finally opened and became whole in a way with my team 7. A feeling of not wanting to die, because I wanted to feel Kakashi instead, I wanted to feel love for him.

But now, now I feel at loss. Like it's all been ripped away and I won't be getting that back. And that scares me... but each day it slips away. The memories tainted with the monster I am now. And I'm hunting the very things I myself have become. I don't know how I will ever be able to go home, how I could face Kakashi...after...after what I have done and with Chrollo... I could never tell him... but then I would be hiding that from him. He doesn't deserve lies or the betrayal and I don't deserve him.

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"We've located Kortopi, he seems to be able to make copies of thing. He's not strong. Physical fights is not his strength so it should be easy to defeat him." My brother went on explaining the details of this mission.
It took a total of three and a half months to track his location, then another two to plan the mission down to the tiniest detail. It's definitely got my heart beating in my ribs until it feels like it's going to break them.
Getting close to the spiders always makes my blood rage. I can feel the fire coursing though me.