In between the good and bad.

Chapter 56

Harrison's POV

"Good morning Harrison." Dr Moore says as I walk into her office. "Good morning." I say as I shut the door sitting down.

"How you feeling this morning?" She asks. Dr Moore was about in her 50s. She took a mothering kind of approach and I appreciated that it felt like I was talking and getting advice rather than just being listened to for hours.

"Tired." I say. "I flew back in from Dubai this morning. I took the children for two weeks."

"Oh yes. That sounds like fun." She says as she sits down. "Yes, the kids had a great time. They loved it there. Kept asking about their mom but for the rest, we had a great time."

"How does that make you feel when they ask about their mom?" She asks me pushing her glasses up.

"Theyre usually not without their mother for two full weeks. Usually it is three days out of the week. Sometimes I am not in the country so they see her more often than me. When they ask about her... Makes me feel terrible because I am the reason why she isnt there to experience this with them." I say. "I feel bad when they keep asking because I broke up the family. But also, it makes me feel good because them missing their mom just shows that shes a great mother. As a kid I spent weeks and weeks without my parents and didnt ask for them?"

"That is interesting. I feel like we have come such a long way Harrison. You recognizing and taking responsibility for your actions. Its a great step but now its about moving forward, healing."

"I dont know how to move on. I switch into a control freak and it works for me in business? I can manipulate, control the narrative and do whatever I want without consequences.. but in a relationship it doesnt work out. I just cant control my emotions, my actions, my thoughts just black out and I am so upset that my first thing is hurt who I think is about to hurt me."

"You know what I think it is? I think youre emotionally weak... but physically strong so you use that instead."

"I could not bare the thought of Penelope not loving me or leaving me." I say clearing my throat. "As fucked up as that sounds. I felt like she was the only person who loved me for me. Wanted to be with me for me. Took care of me..."

"Do you think any other girl could do that for you?"

"I dont know. Penelope was just a breathe of fresh air when I met her. She just did not care about my last name, the money or lifestyle. Because she technically had it already but was chosing not to actually be part of it. She always chose her dad instead of her rich mom. The girls I've been its always just been about sex."

"What was your biggest fear with Penelope?"

"That she would leave me." I say honestly.

"And now that has happened... how does it feel?"

"Its not the first time but this time feels like the last time." I say. "But I feel sad that my family is split. I felt lost without Penelope at first. Hated myself for it. But I then decided that letting her go was best for her and for me. I dont like the guy I was in that relationship."

"Do you like the guy you are now?" She asks and I clear my throat.

"I guess? I dont hate myself anymore?" I chuckle. "I feel less tense. I dont have this weird need to control everything and when I dont like something I am able to deal with it."

"And how do you think this is impacting your current relationships?"

"Better honestly. I am closer to my parents. We actually speak much more and I see them more often without it feeling like an obligation." My hippie weird off hands parents were less annoying to be around I guess.