Discordance

Chapter Thirty-Six

"I love you, Akshara" the words kept ringing in her ears but she felt like her heart was hurting as she followed the tear tracking down his face. Abhimanyu was tormented when he had lost his patient but he had not shed a single tear, yet here he was telling her he... she couldn't even think of the word without choking. Watching him cry for her was agonizing and she instantly wanted to take it away.

With a shaky hand she reached out to wipe the tear away, wanting and needing it gone but when she felt his warm breath on her fingers she pulled her hand away like she had been burned and she blinked up at him, there was so much emotion shining in his eyes that Akshara felt naked and her heart and brain simply could not take it. She had to look away and twist her fingers in her lap, lest she began to scream hysterically.

"Do you want to hide?" he asked in a soft tone and Akshara instantly nodded her head like a puppet. Hide or run away, they were her two responses but the fact that he knew it and was giving her the option was calming her frenzied nerves. She wanted to stick around and do good by him but she couldn't just talk, not after what he had said.

"Come here" he said in that same tone as he carefully moved them around so she was sitting sideways on his lap and she could hide her face in his neck. The first instant hit of his cologne assuaged her guilt for not saying anything back and also gave her a moment of clarity. Love? She had thought she loved her brothers before but now she wasn't sure if that was what it was, or just a duty towards her family. She wasn't sure she knew how to love but Abhimanyu had done it before so he must have known what it felt like. The thought was excruciating and she immediately deleted it from her brain. How could she tell him she loved him back when she didn't even know what it was or how it felt?

All she knew was that she liked him, a lot. The two and a half days away from him had been harrowing and she had missed him, his teasing, his kisses, his cuddles, the way he talked and smelled, everything. But to label it love? She loved how he made her feel seen and heard since nobody had ever done anything like that for her but wouldn't it be selfish to love someone for something they could do for you? She couldn't say it back until she knew exactly how she felt, but what if he took away his love because her mind and heart were broken? She clutched him tightly at that thought.

"I love you, baby. Not because of anything that has happened or will happen but because you are the center of my universe, because you are the most beautiful, intelligent, caring and kind individual" he said so warmly that Akshara felt each word pinch her heart like small lovesick arrows. "I expect nothing from you, alright? I know this is hard for you and I don't want to make it harder. I just couldn't live with myself for a moment longer without letting my feelings known, not after..." he trailed off and she knew what he was referring to, making her freeze.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have added more to your plate" he mumbled, almost to himself. Why was he apologizing? She shook her head desperately into his neck whispering a croaking "no" and fisting the soft hair at the nape of his neck. So much had happened today that her entire body hurt, even her nails, like they too felt all the poignant feelings and were manifesting as physical hurt, but his confession hurt in a different way, she realized. Like a good kind of hurt, like she wanted it to hurt like that repeatedly.

She was drowning in her emotions, and she wasn't sure how much time had passed but when she felt what felt like raindrops on her bare shoulder, she sat up in a flash looking up at the sky but finding it clear of anything. She looked sideways at her husband to see him staring at the lake tempestuously, multiple tears tracking down his face, way more than she could ever wipe. Why was he crying? Was loving her this painful? Then she didn't want him to love her.

Not knowing what to do, she did what she thought best, kissing him on his neck. "Please don't cry" she mumbled "if what you said is bringing you this much pain, you don't have to feel like that anymore. I would understand" she tacked on nervously, clearing her throat to get rid of the tears gathered there.