Daddy Issues

44 - Lack of judgement

'Hi,' Dan says, giving me a quick, uneasy smile before he steps past me and into the small apartment.

'Um, how was your day?'

He makes an effort not to look me into my eyes. Which confirms my suspicions that he regrets what we did this morning. I understand it. But it takes some effort not to take it personal.

'Good,' I say. 'I have some things to tell you. But I'll let you settle yourself first. Do you want something to drink?'

For something to do, I walk over to the kitchen and grab some glasses.

'I'd like some water.'

I fill them both, but when I turn around, he's still not looking at me. He has his back to me while he takes off his jacket and hangs it on the coat rack. Which he seems to be doing slower than he needs to.

So I put the glasses on the coffee table. Then I take a look at them and the thought crosses my mind that sitting on the couch together might be too close. So I pick them up again and put them on the kitchen table instead.

Then I look up and see that Dan is looking me now. Watching what I'm doing with an unreadable expression. It makes me a little nervous.

'Where do you want to sit?' I ask him.

'Here’s fine.'

He takes a seat at the table, so I take one too. I take the seat sideways across from him. Because both next to him or opposite of him would be too close.

'Okay,' Dan says, clearing his throat. Then he clears his throat again. I realize that he's blushing a little. Shit, he's going to make this really awkward, isn't he?

'I get it,' I say quickly, before he can speak. Maybe it's best to save him from some speech about how it was a mistake and how we should restrain ourselves in the future.

'This morning was a... lack of judgement,' I say. 'We let our hormones get the best of us. We just won't do it again, we don't have to make a whole thing about it.'

'A whole thing,' he repeats, sounding a little caught off guard by my air of nonchalance.

'Yes, we can just let it go,' I say, waving my hand at him. 'You don't need to tell me how it was a mistake and everything.'

'It wasn't... a mistake,' he says, looking for the right words. 'It was just... You know, I didn't think I would...'

'What? You were supposed to know better?' I ask, a little pointedly. That's what he said after we made out after the concert.

'I shouldn't have just left like that this morning,' he says, sounding a little firmer now. 'I'm sorry. I'm not saying it was a mistake, but... it's just not smart to do this right now. You were very emotional last night, I don't want to take advantage of you.'

'You're not taking advantage of me,' I say, a little exasperatedly. 'I wanted to do that this morning. I want to do more than that.'

His eyes flash when I say that and I feel a small blush rush to my face. But what's the point in denying it? I think I made it pretty obvious this morning.

Dan opens his mouth to say something, but closes it again. Then he leans back in his chair and rubs his eyes for a moment.

'Maybe you think that now, but given all that's going on, you might not know what's best for you right now.'

I scoff. See, this is why I had no desire to have this conversation. Why does he think he knows more about what I want than I do?

'Look, I totally get that we shouldn't do it again,' I say, leaning over the table to get a little closer. 'I mean, you broke up with my mother yesterday. It's obscene when you think about it. But don't tell me it's because I don't know what's good for me. I've been having feelings for you for weeks and it's not because I'm going through all kinds of emotional trauma. It's because you're kind and funny, annoyingly protective, you write very good songs and you give amazing hugs and you're very fucking handsome.'