Daddy Issues

64 - So sorry

It was hard to let go of the conversation with Mom over the rest of the weekend. But I told Dan everything and he was really there for me. He let me rage about how she tried to use my father to manipulate me, held me when I cried and, as always, managed to make me laugh again.

By the end of the weekend, I feel like there's been a shift in my mind. Hearing everything she told me wasn't easy, but it has had one benefit. I'm starting to feel less guilty about being with Dan.

She never loved me. I guess a part of me always knew that. But didn't want to believe it. Well, I believe it now. So why should I feel bad about finally being loved? About being happy?

So, when I say goodbye to Chloe and Joey after my shift, I'm excited to go home and see him again. Home. I've been calling Dan's place that since the beginning. Because that's what it feels like. He never makes me feel like I'm a guest at his place. Or like I should be grateful to be allowed to be there. He wants me there. And he wants me to feel just as at home as he does.

But as I get on the bus and catch up on my messages, I find myself slightly disappointed. Dan has texted that he'll be home later because he has to finish some work. Usually, he's home earlier than me and he's often already getting dinner ready.

I shrug my disappointment away and decide to welcome him to a prepared dinner instead. We've been cooking a lot together these past few cooks, so I can find my way around the kitchen these days. I'm sure he'll be happy to be able to relax after a longer day than usual.

---

It takes longer for him to come home than I was expecting. I'd been getting kind of hungry and it was pretty hard not to dive into the casserole I had prepared. So when I finally hear his key in the door, I jump up from the couch and race to the door.

'Finally!' I yell out, almost jumping him when he walks into the hallway. 'I'm starving.'

I throw my arms around him and smash my lips onto his. A little overcome by my abundant greeting, he struggles to close the door behind him and lets his bag drop to the floor.

He doesn't push me away, but he doesn't really kiss me back either. So I pull back after a little while to take a closer look at him. And I'm startled by the solemn expression on his face.

'What's wrong?' I ask him, a little embarrassed by the way I came at him. 'Did something happen?'

His eyes flit across my face. His eyebrows draw together. Then he looks away.

'No...' he says unsurely. 'No, everything's fine.'

I raise my eyebrows skeptically. That's the most unconvincing 'everything's fine' I've ever heard. I scan his face looking for some sort of clue as to what this might be about. But I can't think of anything.

Clearly realizing that I'm not convinced, Dan tries to put on a smile and reaches for my cheek.

'Just a long day,' he says. Then he pulls me in for a quick kiss before he turns away from me and hurries down the hallway to the living room.

I watch him confused. And I get even more confused when I find him standing randomly in the living room, one hand on his side, the other stroking his beard. He does that sometimes, when he's anxious.

'Dan?' I ask him cautiously. He turns around and looks at me like he forgot I was there for a moment. But then he smiles again. It's as unconvincing as the first one.