Daddy Issues

46 - Something wrong?

The movie's nice, that's not the problem. But as I'm sitting at the far opposite of the couch from Dan, I'm feeling restless. I hoped watching a movie would take my mind off of things, but it doesn't seem to work.

My mother blames me for everything.
Dan blames me for nothing.

She says I'm a terrible person that ruins everything.
He says that's not true.

I don't know what to think anymore. And my head's feeling all scrambled because of it.

And then there's the other problem.

Dan tells me that he has feelings for me. But he doesn't want to be with me.

He's attracted to me. But he doesn't want to get physical with me.

Of course, I understand his conflictions. But everything felt so good this morning. I want to feel like that again.

What if it did work out? My mother has made it clear that she doesn't want me in her life, so does it really matter that he used to be with her? It doesn't seem fair that we'll never get a chance just because he met her first. What if we could have something amazing if we gave it a chance?

Of course, I won't bring it up again. The last thing I want is for him to panic and leave for a hotel after all. At least he's here with me. That's going to have to be enough.

Something I desperately want to do is call Mel. She's the only one I could talk to about all this. But I really wanted her to have one week of unworried vacation. I can't dump this all on her and ruin her time there. God, has she really only been gone for half a week?

'You don't like the movie?' Dan asks me when I twist in my seat again. He's been throwing me mildly annoyed looks for a while now, because I keep fussing and fidgeting, unable to find a comfortable position somehow.

'No, it's good. Are their feet supposed to look like that?'

Dan turns to look at the little guy with immense and hairy feet that's running through the screen. I've yet to spot Orlando in the movie.

'They're hobbits,' Dan says dryly. Like that explains anything.

'Hm.'

'We can watch something else if you want.'

I look over to where he's leaning back against the couch, one foot on the coffee table in front of him. He pushed up the sleeves of the button-up he wore to work, which shows off his strong, tan arms and he kicked off his shoes to expose yellow socks with tiny monkeys on them. Tell me why I find even that attractive?

What I want is to move over to that side of the couch, climb on top of him, run my hands through that messy brown hair. Ride him like a rodeo and then let him take me to the bed to let him do whatever he wants to me. I know that would make me forget about everything. Better than any amount of alcohol or hook-ups with random guys ever could.

'I think I'm just going to take a shower. I can't focus.'

'You want me to pause the movie?'

'No, that's fine. Call me when Orlando shows up.'

Dan chuckles and I throw him a short smile while I walk past him to grab my pajamas from the bed before I head to the bathroom. Just before I walk through the door, I spot him staring after me. But he quickly looks back at the screen when he notices me watching. I roll my eyes and sigh when I close the door behind me.

It would probably be smart to take a cold shower, but I indulge in a long, hot shower anyway. It helps me calm my mind at least for a short while to let the warm water glide over me. I focus on the heat and the water and the flowery showergel that I'm going to have to replace before Mel gets back.