hits different - Taylor Swift and Travis kelce

helplessness

-Travis Pov-

It's hard to watch her suffer. If I didn't need to be strong for her sake and the kids, I would be in tears watching her fight what's trying to kill her. Once again, we are in the hospital to get a round of chemo into her. Taylor has her headphones on and is curled up on her recliner, looking so vulnerable I want to smother her in hugs.

I've never been around someone with cancer before, someone going through chemo, so I didn't know what to expect. Can you even know what to expect if you have seen it before? I don't know. Taylor told me about what it was like for her mom, but did that actually prepare her? Or did it give her a false picture of what this might look like? I guess it's one thing to see it and another to experience it.

I'm not going to sit here and complain when the love of my life is suffering, I can't complain about how hard it is to watch when she is the one living through it. if I could, I would take the pain off her shoulders and put it on my own, but I can't. I can however sit here and hold her hand, then later hold her hair back when she throws up and cuddle her to keep her warm.

Just like last week Jacob and Elena are at school while the twins are at home with Hannah. I'm thankful that we have had Hannah for years and I know I don't need to worry about the twins when they are with her. At first, it was hard to trust anyone with our kids, but I quickly learned that we are too busy to do this on our own. The kids need consistency and for us to give them that we needed help, I had to accept that. do I prefer to watch the kids ourselves, yes, but Hannah is a good option if we can't. right now I can't be home with them, I need to be here with Taylor.

"it hurts Travis" Taylor whimpers and I wipe a cloth over her damp forehead. Curled up like this she looks so small, so fragile. It shoots a dagger through my chest to see her in pain. "I know beautiful, I know."

I flag down a nurse, worried about Taylor's state. "she is in pain, is there anything we can do? is it okay to keep going?" I'm worried that her body can't take this, that it's too much for her. I know she needs it but seeing her suffer... I can't describe what that's like, not really.

"Sadly this is part of the journey. Chemo affects everyone differently and Taylor is facing side effects" the nice nurse handling Taylor today says before she excuses herself to quickly get a cold cloth for Taylor's forehead and some painkillers. Thankfully at least there are medications they can give her to lessen some of the pain. Not only is the chemo messing with her body, but she is also still recovering from the mastectomy surgery. That's a lot for one body to handle over just a few weeks.

"Taylor how are you doing?" the nurse asks her as she comes back and wipes Taylor's sweaty forehead. "can you take these for me, they will help with the fever" she hands her some kind of pill and Taylor dutifully swallows them.

"I feel like someone ran me over with a truck" she groans. "I'm sorry that you're not feeling well. But you're doing good, you're hanging in there" The nurse talks a little with her before we both realize that Taylor is too tired to talk any longer. Maybe some sleep will do her good, it might be what she needs right now. at least if she is asleep, she doesn't have to sit there and just feel the pain, she can escape into a slumber with happy dreams.

**

I'm downstairs with the kids getting dinner sorted while Taylor is resting upstairs. The day of chemo and the two days after it last week she was bedbound, so I imagine it's going to be the same thing this time. it's not easy to take care of four kids on my own, but thankfully the older kids have helped out with the twins. Elena read a book with Avery while I was getting dinner ready, and Jacob was drawing with Maddie.

Maddie isn't one to sit down and do activities, but she does love to draw, and that can settle her down for a while. She likes to draw princesses even though it in reality is a mess of circles and shapes that doesn't make any sense. Regardless her newest artwork always goes up on the fridge, replacing her last masterpiece.

"Did everyone have a good day?" I ask as the five of us settle around the table for dinner. I'm not a good cook, but I've learned a thing or two from Taylor. right now though we get Hello Fresh because it is easy to prepare and has everything ready to go. It makes it easier for me as I'm the one making dinner at the moment. Taylor isn't the biggest fan of meal services, but she doesn't complain either. At least the family is getting fed and I don't give anyone food poisoning so there is that.

"where is mommy?" Maddie asks as she dutifully eats a piece of chicken. "remember that mommy is sick and was at the hospital again today? She is resting in bed" I tell her for the fifth time today. At two years old and a few months both twins are getting good at talking and are able to form more sentences now. the words are still a little messed up here and there, but they are good for their age. I was worried that their prematurity would come in the way of their development, but it only set Avery back a little, Maddie didn't really have many problems along the way.

"cuddles?" she asks and crocks her head to the side "Maybe later we can ask mommy if she wants cuddles. Right now you need to be a good girl and eat your dinner like a big girl."

I ask the older kids about their day at school. Elena had a math test today and It went okay. "I hate math, but I think I did okay" Elena shrugs. "speak for yourself, we had a math test too and I will be surprised if I didn't fail" Jacob grunts.

Elena is academically excelling, apparently she has always done well in school. Jacob isn't as lucky and needs to work on school more than she does. It might also come with being older and having more challenging material than her, but he has apparently lagged behind at times.

"if you did fail, we will work on it together before the makeup test. And before the next test, I'll work on it with you" I promise Jacob. I want to help them do well in school, even though I wasn't an A+ student myself. I was a B or C student at best, more focused on football and keeping up my GPA to be on the team. Taylor is better at me with the school stuff, but right now I need to take on a bigger role in our household to lessen the pressure on her.

**

The twins are in bed and the older two have TV time when I go up to Taylor to check on her. I sent Jacob up earlier with dinner for her, but I doubt she has eaten much of it. she gets really nauseous after chemo, at least she did last time. I can already see she has lost weight since she got sick.

"beautiful? How are you doing?" I ask her as I enter the bedroom just as she is trying to stand up from bed. She hunches over and throws up all over her legs, at least this time it wasn't on the bed, but it still sucks that she feels so sick.

"I've got you" I rush over and steady her as I lead her to the bathroom. "Travis" she whimpers, and I start to undress her. "we need to get you out of these clothes" They are soaked with sweat and now her pants have puke on them. I don't care that it gets me dirty, I don't give a fuck as long as I can help her with something. I feel so helpless in all of this I want to at least do what I can to be there for her.

"come on, let's get you in the shower" I finish stripping her before taking off my own clothes. It hurts every time I see the proof of her fight on her chest where scars now replace where her breasts used to be. It's a reminder of the fight she is going through and it stings. I've done a good job of not showing how hard it is for me to see.

I don't think she suspects anything at least. It's not that I don't find her drop-dead gorgeous anymore, because I fucking do. but it's a reminder of how sick she is.

Turning on the water I lead her under the hot water, hopefully it will help to loosen her tense muscles a bit. I grab a sponge and start to wash the sweat and puke off her body gently. I don't mind taking care of her like this, it's the least I can do. she is so exhausted that standing up is more than enough effort for her. She doesn't like feeling helpless, I know that, but I try to do what I can to make this easier on her.

"I feel like shit" she groans, and I kiss her shoulder "I know. And I wish I could do something to take it away" It's hard to know what to say because there is really nothing to can do to lessen the burden on her body. The chemo is working its way through her body, hopefully killing off more cancer cells than her normal cells. The treatment will run its course and all I can do is be there for her. I've never felt this kind of helplessness in my life.