Treacherous Heart 1: Ever The Same

Pahina 21

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After my outburst, he brought me inside his car to calm down. Tahimik lamang kami roon, pinapahupa ko ang pag-iyak ko na medyo kumalma naman na. Siya naman ay mataman lang nanunuod sa akin habang hinihintay ako.

Sometimes he will wipe my tears away, pero nang mapansin niyang mas naiiyak ako tuwing ginagawa niya iyon ay tinigilan niya rin. I prefer to calm myself down as well.

Habang kumakalma, nag-iisip din ako.

It dawned to me why I bursted just like that.

It is because of my insecurities that were eating me up ever since my feelings started. Hindi ko lang sila napapansin pero naroroon sila. At hindi ako sanay na nandyan sila dahil buong buhay ko ay wala naman talaga akong kinailangan patunayan.

I was lucky enough to have everything easy. I admit that. And... I appreciate it. Pero dahil din doon, hindi ko alam kung paano ko tatanggapin ang mga bagay na wala na sa kamay ko. That for some situation, things will not favor me.

And because I want this so much, hindi ko rin matanggap na... this doesn't favor me at all.

Ito pa talaga.

That one single thing I want, ito pa ang hindi pabor sa akin.

"Tob," panimula ko.

I felt him shifted.

"Aren't you scared?" Lakas loob kong tanong.

Nakatingin ako sa labas kung saan mumunting sasakyan din ang kaharap namin. I was just more comfortable to look outside than to look at him. I might not be able to say what's on my mind, maiisip ko nalang na bumigay dahil nasa harapan ko na siya.

"Scared of what?" Marahan niyang tanong, nananantya.

"Of... this."

Huminga ako ng malalim at malungkot na ngumiti, hindi pa rin siya tinitignan.

"Ako, takot na takot." Pag-amin ko.

"At sa buong buhay ko, I was never scared like this. Maybe because... I never wanted anything so bad, except this too. Do you know why I left?"

Nilingon ko siya at kita ko ang pag-aalala sa kanya. There was no hint of fear, only worry.

"Because my fear had just materialized in front of me. Noong makita kita na may kausap na babae, and not just some girl... but a Chinese, I assumed. I also realized that this has been eating me up ever since."

Naramdaman ko ang pagkapahiya sa puso ko.

Umiling ako. "Na kahit ano naman mangyari, hindi talaga pwede kasi... hindi naman ako Chinese. That maybe every other Chinese girl out there, pwede sayo, pero ako... I can never change my roots, Tob. If Willow ever gets out of this, I mean both of you, there will still be other girls out there, much more deserving of you. Not just by their success, wealth or what they may contribute to your businesses, pero dahil Chinese rin sila."

Sa dami ng beses namin na pag-uusap, parang ngayon lang ako naging totoo talaga. Totoo sa kanya at totoo sa sarili ko.

And I never thought truth could hurt like this, especially when said out loud.

"Pwede natin sabihin na hindi muna natin iisipin, how I would love that too. But the reality will always dawn to me because I am not to play, my feelings are sacred for me, I choose my battles, at lagi kong naiisip, bakit pa? Kung alam ko naman na sa dulo, talo pa rin?"

I saw his lips parted.

Yes, Tob. I may be immature most of the time, but... I have thought of this a hundred times more I could count.