IDLE DESIRE 10: THE SINFUL LOVE

5

KYERRA

Nabigla talaga ako sa pagbuhat niya sa akin upang ilayo ako sa barandilya ng tulay. Does this guy think I'm going to jump off a bridge? I looked at him and I couldn't help feeling small because of his height. Idagdag pa ang pagiging maganda niyang lalaki.

He was wearing a gray polo shirt and beige pants. Simple ngunit malinis tingnan. Litaw rin ang kanyang kagwapuhan.

“Don't do anything sinful, young lady. You may regret it later. It's not too late, okay? Kung may pinagdadaanan ka, malalagpasan mo rin iyan...” aniya kaya kumunot ang aking noo. Bakas ko sa maamo niyang mukha ang pag-aalala.

Why does he look like he cares when we are just strangers? We don't know each other para pangaralan niya ako. He doesn't know anything about all the things I've been through to say I can overcome all my silent battles. He doesn't know how painful and difficult it is for me to live in this ruthless world.

“Alam kong mahirap, hindi madali ang lahat pero hindi ka nag-iisa...” muli niyang salita sa mahinahon na tono, kaya nagbigay ito sa akin ng kirot sa aking dibdib.

Hindi ako nag-iisa?

But why does the world make me feel that way? Everything is empty, and I feel lonely. No one can stay with me for long dahil wala akong ibang ginawang tama, kundi ang maging pasaway at magdala ng kamalasan. Gusto ko tuloy matawa nang maalala ko ang mga narinig ko sa magulang ko kanina.

My mother tried to abort me before, while my father wished I had never been born. That's cruel, isn't it? This world is harsh and full of hardship. Life is brutal and unfair. I hate them. I hate that I was born. I hate everything.

“Tandaan mo, ang mga pasakit at lungkot na nararamdaman mo ngayon ay hindi permanente. Matatapos din iyan kaya bigyan mo ng pagkakataon ang sarili mo na makita pa ang mas magandang bukas. May mga nagmamalasakit pa rin sa iyo, kaya kung kailangan mo ng tulong at makakausap, nandito ako. Handa akong makinig at umalalay sa 'yo,” he said softly and sincerely bago niya bitiwan ang aking braso.

“Tandaan mo rin ang bersikulong ito na ang Panginoon ang mangunguna sa iyo at sasaiyo. Hindi ka niya iiwan ni pababayaan. Kaya huwag kang matakot o panghinaan ng loob. That verse will always remind us na ang Diyos ay hindi tayo iniiwan kahit pakiramdam natin ay nag-iisa tayo,” he added and he lightly patted my head.

Those words put me at ease. The burden on my chest is gone at least a little bit. But I don't want to be attached again. I don't want to be close to anyone, even if they are nice to me. Natatakot na ako.

I stepped back a little.

“Are you done talking?” I asked in a blunt way.

“Uhm, yes?” His answer was obviously uncertain.

Tinuro ko 'yong kuting. “Pwede ko na ba siya iligtas bago pa siya mahulog sa ilog?”

Tumingin siya sa kuting at hindi nakaimik. Bago pa niya ako pigilan ay lumapit na ako sa kuting na 'yon at kinuha ito. Ramdam ko sa nanginginig niyang katawan ang matinding takot. Kulay kahel ang balahibo niya, mapusyaw ang kanyang ilong, at berde naman ang kulay ng kaniyang mga mata.

“Your arm is bleeding,” that man said.

His eyes looked over my entire body and maybe he noticed that I had wounds. Dumudugo na rin ang braso ko pero hindi ko ito binigyang pansin.

“Are you okay? May masakit ba sa iyo? May maliit ka rin na sugat sa noo mo.”

“I'm fine,” I replied without hesitation.

I am not physically hurt. The scars on my body are negligible and I don't feel them. What makes me suffer and hurts is only emotionally and mentally. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na I'm already drained and this pain that I always feel weighs on me deeply.