[🇺🇸] Two Portlands

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Portland, OR: Bonjour, Portland. Voulez–vous coucher avec moi?

Portland, ME: No, I don't want to sleep with you.

Portland, OR: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.

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Portland, OR: Priest kink is definitely a thing and I am afflicted by it.

Portland, ME: Go to church.

Portland, ME: WAIT—

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*Portland (from Oregon) is reading a Clifford The Big Red Dog book*

Portland, ME:, watching: How did he get to be so big? Do they ever explain that?

Portland, OR: Well, Emily's love for him grew, and so did he.

Portland, ME: Well, your dog is pretty small. Guess that says something about you, huh?

Portland, OR, angrily shutting his book: YOU'RE SMALL! WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT MAINE, HUH?!?!

Portland, ME: YOU LITTLE-

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Portland, ME: That imposter is not allowed to decide which one of us is the chosen one.

Portland, OR: BITCH I'M LARGER AND MORE POPULAR THAN YOU STFU-

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Portland, ME: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment...at all?

Portland, OR: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.

Portland, ME: ...

Portland, ME: ISN'T THE STATE REP OF OREGON A LITERAL DEER-

Portland, OR: OH SHIT NO WAIT DON'T TELL DAD ABOUT THIS-

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Portland, OR: Guess what? I had a three-way in a hot-air balloon.

Portland, ME: LIES. Who are you, Los Angeles? You're not hot at all.

Portland, OR: yes I am!!

Portland, ME: no you're not, the only thing you can turn on is the fucking microwave.

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