Angel Dust, an Italian: The chair is feminine, la sieda.
Baxter, a German: The chair is masculine, der stuhl.
Alastor, an American: The chair is a chair, I see no skirt on the chair, I see no trousers, I see nothing to indicate that it has a gender because it is a CHAIR.
Niffty, Japanese: If you pronounce the name of the chair wrong you'll sell two fifths of your left pinky toe to the tooth fairy in exchange for nine dust particles and a orange thimble named Kyle.
Alastor: Birds do it, bees do it, so let's do it.
Angel Dust: *Hopeful gasp*
Alastor: Let's have you slam against glass and fucking die.
Niffty in her emo era: What if he's your Romeo, but you're not his Juliet...
Husk: Then you'll survive the fucking play.
Alastor: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a goldfish?
Rosie, deadpan: A rooster that drowns.
Alastor: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Rosie, deadpan: Nuclear war.
Alastor: What do you call a cow with no legs?
Rosie, deadpan: Bleeding out.
Alastor: Why did the boy drop his orange juice?
Rosie, deadpan: His mother threw a microwave at him.
Niffty: So then I told her that my husband had bought me a china set, and then she started going on and on about how her husband had bought her a microwave.
Angel Dust: I'm calling it now, she was just jealous that your jello came out better than hers.
*English majors on dubious amount of crack AU*
*To the tune of Uptown Funk.*
Charlie: S T O P . wait a minute.
Angel Dust: fill my cup, put some poison in it.
Vaggie: Take a sip,
Niffty: Fake your death.
Cherri: Juliet, exit left!
Cherri: Fuck, my life's gone to shit, I need cheering up. Pentious, say microwave.
Pentious: Only for you...
Pentious: mee-crow-ahh-vey
Eve, standing on a high place: I sure hope Lucifer doesn't find us up here.
Adam, also standing on the high place: He'll never reach, we're too high up. He'd need a jetpack, which he doesn't have.
Lucifer: *Slowly rises through the clouds with a jetpack.*
Adam: Knock knock.
Pentious: Who's there?
Adam: Not you, lmao *magic laser beam.*
'Women are so hard to please'
Vaggie, texting Charlie: Thanks for the keychain, can't wait to marry you
Pentious: Excuse me.
Angel Dust: Permesso.
Vaggie: Perdon.
Alastor: Pardon.
Cherri: Get the fuck out of my way, ya bluddy cunt.
Velvette, doing a news report in Britain: Stamp prices have gone up fourteen pence.
Alastor, doing a news report in America: eighteen children were shot dead at their Mommy&Me class.
Velvette, doing a news report in Britain: the butterfly population is declining.
Alastor, doing a news report in America: Forty three children killed in terrorist attack on a McDonalds.
Angel Dust: I swear, you can't walk two steps in Australia without some venomous bastard trying to kill you.
Cherri Bomb: Well at least our schools aren't used for target practice.
Angel Dust: I... Jesus christ Cher.
Alastor: God, I wish the sex scene in this porno would end so we can get back to figuring out how she's going to pay for the food she ordered.
Valentino: *gestures towards Niffty* How is this two foot negative five gremlin the most terrifying thing I have ever seen?
Alastor: SECURITY!
Angel Dust: *Slams hands down on desk* I FUCKED your security and now they're QUEERSEXUALS.
Lucifer: I'm not simping, I'm simply using the Gomez Addams strategy of being in love with my spouse.
*Back in ye olden days*
Waitress: There's a half-off deal for kids under ten and cops.
Angel Dust's dad: *Coughs and nudges eleven year old Angel Dust.*
Young Angel Dust: I'm a cop.
Alastor: Furbies are cool, racism is not.
Lucifer: Ducks are cool, ableism is not.
Angel Dust: Blob fish are cool, homophobia is not.
Angel Dust the lawyer: Your honor, if my client's rapist really didn't want to be set on fire then he shouldn't have been so flammable.
Charlie: Love is in the air!
Alastor: *Pulling his shirt up over his nose and spraying bug spray.*
God: Forgive everyone.
Also god: this BITCH ate an APPLE four THOUSAND YEARS AGO. Smh, here's ANOTHER pandemic.
Lucifer: If at first you don't succeed, give up.
Lucifer: *Throws a messed up rubber duckie in the trash* Fuck it.
Lucifer: *Sets the trash on fire.* If it isn't immediately perfect it's useless to me.
Lucifer: *Throws the ashes out his window.* I've never been good at anything in my entire life.
Vaggie: God dammit, what are you two arguing about this time?
Lucifer: HE KEEPS SAYING COMMON PHRASES WRONG!
Alastor: Oh, CRY me a TABLE, LUCIFER.
*Watching a movie*
Alastor: *Scared and disgusted.* What are they doing?
Rosie: *Confused and disgusted.* Having sex.
Alastor: WHY??
Lute: Excuse me, we left that girl Vaggie down in hell, could I use their loudspeakers?
Some dude controlling the loudspeakers in hell: Sure, go ahead.
Lute: *Gets really fucking close to the mic.* and stay down, bitch.
