[3] how did we end up here ;; nh

46 » Mulinggar, She's All His

[re: i'm rewriting this chapter and next next chapters hehe bc this is gonna be my last fanfic before i'm getting married (don't exactly know when lol but yeah), i want to make it... special? perfect? dunno, but hope u like the new version :)]

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24 October 2023

2.39 AM

I let Avril sleep in my room. Ever since that stupid pact we make — my fault, entirely — I can't sleep in the same bed with her anymore. She says we're not anything. Not lovers. We're just friends.

Well, I know her for so well that she's still in love with me. I can tell, I am so damn certain.

And because of that, I'm now sleeping at Harry's.

"You know what," Harry looks at me. "that's nuts. Bloody nuts. And never in your life you told anyone about this? Six fucking years?" Harry shakes his head, disbelief written all over his face.  He takes a long swig of his Guinness, like he needs something bitter to match the story I just spill. "You're a victim of domestic violence, don't you realize that? You can just tell the cops and she's gonna be in jail, mate. That's... nuts."

I stay quiet. My throat feels tight. At this time, I felt like, sometimes, my guilt surround me. Like I'm trapped there. Something tells me I that I could never deserve any love after repetitively cheat on Anne — or easily found another girl just to fuck around the moment I broke up with her. Like... I don't deserve to be loved, I am an asshole and will always be. And there, my chest tighten just to remember how she used to hit me when we argue, how loud the slaps sound in the silence between us — how I was trying my best, bleeding, to prove her that I had changed. 

That holds me back to love Avril, you know. I'm scared that it's gonna be a relapse. 

Harry moves from the single-seater next to me and joins me on the worn-out two-seater couch. He throws his legs onto the coffee table, sighs, then glances at me. "Jesus mate, that was rough," he says, patting my shoulder gently. His voice drops lower. "You don't deserve that."

I force a laugh. It comes out sharp, a little bitter. "Well. That's life, right?" I shrug like it doesn't sting. "At least I'm gonna marry Avril now."

"No," he says, looking straight at me. "At least you're sleeping with me now."

I turn to him, squinting. "That sounds kinda gay. No offense."

He smacks the back of my head, not too hard. "That's offensive."

I laugh as I look at Harry. For all the chaos in my life, I'm lucky to have him. Someone who sticks around, someone who gets it without needing much explanation. I've always been rubbish at talking about my feelings — especially the heavy stuff. I never quite know how to put it into words. I just... don't like it when people can tell I'm falling apart. But Harry knows it so well how to make me comfortable. 

Such a lucky coincidence that I met him back in X-Factor. 

"I know what you're trying to do," he says, out of the blue.

"What?"

"You're trying to set me up with Louis."

I burst into laughter. "And how's that going for you?"

Harry frowns, his face all scrunched up like he's thinking harder than he wants to admit. "I don't know... it feels strange," he mutters. "Like... you know, something inside's gone a bit... off. Honestly... weird."

"That doesn't explain anything."

He lets out a breath. "Somehow, I know I still love him."

I laugh loud and clear, almost throwing my head back. "As expected, ya eejit!"