[3] how did we end up here ;; nh

52 » Somewhere Only We Were Familiar

"All this time you were pretending,
so much for my happy ending.
It's nice to know that you were there,
thanks for acting like you care.
And making me feel like I was the only one."

Avril Lavigne — My Happy Ending

***

The fact that I have never fret about the sins he has committed against me has never been fair to me. But then I thought by having him by my side and loving me so dearly are enough.

Or dare I say, I thought, he moved on.

I thought he loved me;

I thought he loved me because he remembered to make me matcha every morning because he knew I loved to start my day with caffeine – but I hate coffee,

I thought he loved me because he cuddled me before I finally closed my eyes before falling asleep on his arms,

I thought he loved me because he healed every bit of my past by kissing my wounds goodbye,

I thought he loved me because he drove me anywhere if he could,

I thought he loved me because he loved spending most of his leissure time with me,

I thought he loved me because he took me to Edinburgh just because he knew how much I wanted to go there and never got a chance to,

I thought he loved me because he wrote me songs dedicated for me even long before we were engaged, or long before he bended on his knee, admitting that he has been in love with me for years but never had the ball to say it out loud because he was so afraid that he would hurt me.

But as a matter of fact, just in fact, he did. He hurt me now.

And I was wondering if he ever truly loved me; it feels like he loves me because I am convinient to him.

Because I was always available to him.

Because I was always ready to forgive him.

Because I was always there for him whenever he needed a physical connection so that he came to my apartment or took me to countries – to watch golf tournaments he said – just so that he didn't sleep alone.

Because I was so crazy for him and he knew it. He knew that whatever mistakes he made, he could always go back to me, find his comfort, so that he can fill the numb in the void caused by Anne.

And there he was; kissing her just before he offered me to be tied by him forever.

Rasanya seluruh energi yang ada di dalam tubuh gue pergi meninggalkan gue di momen di mana gue melihat dengan jelas bagaimana dua manusia itu berpelukan; cewek berambut bob itu sedikit menjinjit untuk mencium cowok berambut coklat tua itu. Sementara cowok itu, tangannya meremas erat bahu cewek itu.

And that man was my fiancée just the day before he put a ring on my finger.

Jahat?

Gue bahkan enggak tau kata apa yang sempurna untuk mendeskripsikan bagaimana Niall sukses membuat gue hancur hanya dengan satu foto saja, yang bahkan gue temukan dengan cara paling konyol di dunia; lewat majalah online The Sun yang dikirimkan oleh Louis.

Tubuh gue kaku, tidak bisa bergerak sama sekali, posisi gue masih sama; duduk di atas kasur dengan Diana yang berada di samping gue. Kali ini, dia sudah memeluk gue, berusaha menenangkan gue yang masih belum bereaksi apa-apa hingga saat ini. Bahkan menangis pun gue sudah tidak mampu.