I Did This To Me (Justin Bieber)

Chapter Six: Jesika

Dear Journal,

How does Justin know anything about Mom not trusting me? What did Mom do? I can't have him knowing. I just, I can't. That would ruin just about everything. Mom wanted a new start here and that wouldn't happen if everyone treated me the same as back in California.

August 8, 2011 ; Jesika Williams

"What?" I turned and stared at Justin.

"My mom told me thats why you were coming over here. Your mom doesn't trust you enough to be alone."

"Did she tell you anything else." I asked and bit my lip. I crossed one arm over my stomach and grabbed my elbow. 

"No. Is there more?" Justin asked and I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out. I can't believe my mom told Pattie about me. "Jesika?"

"No. I need to…" I started but couldn't finish. My heart was beating really fast and I was shaking. I dropped to the floor by the closest wall.

"Are you okay?" Justin asked. I put my knees up and put my face between them. "Jesika. Are you okay?" He repeated. I waved my hand at him. "Should I call your mom?" He asked. I wanted to say no. I wanted to say I was fine, I wanted to say I deserved these attacks. But I didn't. I just sat there. Justin was waiting for an answer. If he didn't get one, I had no doubt he'd call my mom.

I could feel every part of my body shaking. My heart was beating fast, pounding against my chest. This has been happening ever since I got out of the hospital after the crash. I get these attacks when I get overly stressed or worried. Mom has tried getting me help to deal with all my problems, but I have refused to say a single thing in any of my therapy sessions.

"Your mom told me this happens a lot and you just need to calm down." He said walking back into the room. I didn't even know he left, I was too busy taking big gulps of air. I was yelling STOP in my head. I read this somewhere when I first got panic attacks. I was basically talking to myself in my head. Its only a panic attack, I'm fine. "Jesika?" Justin said again. I'm okay. Mom didn't say anything else. She wouldn't. I'm fine. I kept repeating that in my head over and over. My heartbeat was slowing down and my shaking was subsiding. I kept taking deep calming breaths.

About twenty minutes after it started, my panic attack was over. I really hate when that happens to me. It makes me feel so powerless. I especially hate when it happens in front of people. Its like I become a circus show or something. 

I picked my head up and looked at Justin. He was staring at me. "Jesika?" He said again.

"Well at least you know my name." I said and he frowned.

"Was that all real?"

"No. I totally faked a panic attack." I said sarcastically.

"Sorry. Why does that happen to you?" Justin asked.

"It doesn't matter."

"Jesika, you can tell me." Justin said.

"No, I can't." I said shaking my head at him.

"Why can't you? Its not like I'm going to tell anyone." 

"How do I know that? You'd probably tell Caitlin, or use it against me someway." He came over and sat down beside me. 

"You can trust me Jes, really, I'm not going to hurt you." He was looking at me and I still had my hands wrapped around my legs. I put my chin on my knees. I mean, technically, I could just tell him everything. Then he would know, maybe he'd leave me alone because of how stupid I am. But then he would know what I did to Dad, and I wasn't ready for anyone to know that. It was all too much. 

"Can we go watch tv or something?" I asked him, changing the subject. I heard him sigh next to me but he stood up and put his hand out to me. He was being nice, so I took his hand and he pulled me up. I followed him back down the stairs.

I sat in the corner of the sofa against the armrest and Justin grabbed the remote then sat right next to me. He put his feet up on the edge of the stand in front of us and clicked through the channels. One of his thighs was pressed up against mine and I know he did that on purpose. What did Christian say about him and Caitlin? They were sort of dating, when they saw each other. I wonder what thats all about. "Does Christian live around here?" I asked knowing that Caitlin would live with Christian. Justin raised an eye at me. 

"He lives in Georgia. Why?"

"I was just wondering." I answered. If they lived in Georgia, why were they here? And I guess there goes my chance of having a friend before school. Wait, Christian is younger than me, he'd be a grade below me. "Why are they here?" I looked over at Justin.

"They come up in the summers when I'm not on tour to see me. They have family up here that they stay with." Justin shrugged. "I thought you wanted to watch tv?" He smirked and looked at me from the corner of his eye.

"Sorry." I said and looked at the tv. I put my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Justin grabbed a blanket from the side of the couch and looked at me.

"You cold?" He asked and I shrugged. He put part of the blanket over me and part of it over himself. 

The next thing I knew Justin was shaking me a little. "Jes, time to wake up. Your mom is home and you can go home." My eyes flitted open and I noticed I was laying on Justin's shoulder. He smiled down at me and I sat up immediately.

"Sorry." I wiped at my eyes and looked around.

"Want me to walk you to your house?" He asked me and I shook my head.

"No its okay, you don't have to." I stood up from my spot and fell back down onto the sofa. I was just a little tired. Justin laughed next to me and I rolled my eyes.

"I'll walk you to your house." He smiled and stood up pulling me up with him. I felt him pulling me toward the door where my shoes were and I slipped my feet into them. "So, did you know you snore?" 

"I do not." I said wiping at my eyes again. He smiled at me and I rolled my eyes. "Do I?" I asked.

"No, just wanted to see your reaction." Justin opened the door and held it as I walked out in front of him. He shut the door behind him.

"So, you had a good night right?" He asked looking at me under his eyelashes again. I bit my lip and nodded. 

"It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." I yawned again. 

"And you liked sleeping on me, right?" He lifted an eyebrow and I felt a blush rise to my cheeks.

"That was not how I fell asleep. I can't believe I fell asleep." I told him as we reached my front door.

"I guess this is where we say goodbye." Justin whispered like we had just walked a mile. I nodded at him. "Well, good night Jesika." He leaned in closer to my face and kissed me on the cheek. I blinked up at him when he pulled away. He smirked and turned. I watched him walk back to his house, putting my hand up to my cheek, wiping off his kiss.

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