I Did This To Me (Justin Bieber)

Chapter Fourteen: Justin

I can't believe this. Jesika hates me. I don't think she'll ever talk to me again. And we were making so much progress. Honestly, I don't know why I said any of that. None of it was true. If Caitlin didn't believe me, that would have been her problem not mine. I shouldn't have lied to make her feel better.

I seem to always mess things up with the people I care about. Its strange that it didn't take me a long time to screw things up with Jes.

August 18, 2011 ; Justin Bieber

I walked out of Jesika's house with my heart in my throat. She hates me and now I have to just walk away. 

I got to the studio with Scooter and we basically went over the couple of songs I had been writing, recording parts. We didn't get much done and he noticed I was a little out of it. Mom had gone home, Scooter said he was driving me home but honestly I just wanted to walk.

Why wouldn't Jesika let me explain? I messed up so bad. I probably just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. We were doing so well, she let me in, she opened up. And I did exactly what Ty told me not to do. 

Instead of putting her back together, I tore her apart. 

I'm such a jerk. 

I kicked a rock on the sidewalk, taking my frustrations out on that. How could I be so stupid? Why didn't I think of her coming to listen? She was just as upset, well maybe not just as, but she was upset that Caitlin thought something was going on between us, too. Obviously she'd want to make sure things were alright between us. This is all my fault.

Maybe I could explain things to her. Make her listen to me. Explain how I was being stupid. Tell her that if Caitlin didn't believe me from now on, that she was history. I like having Jes as a friend. I like talking to her and her laugh and her smile. I love it when she can't look up at me because she's too shy.

Caitlin asked me if I liked her and I said no. I'm not sure if that was a lie or not. And how things look right now, I might never know.

I had to talk to her. I had to tell her that it was all a mistake. I had to make her understand that I want her in my life, that I want her to be my friend still. Maybe she'll listen to me. And if she doesn't, I'll tell her again and again. I'll tell her until she believes me, until she can trust me again. She needs to know the truth. 

I started running down the sidewalk, trying to get home faster. I passed the people walking and kept on running, my destination clear.

I ran into my house and towards the stairs. "How did it go in the studio?" Mom yelled after me.

"Great!" I shouted down to her still running up the stairs and into my room. I looked out my window to Jes's balcony. 

She wasn't there.

No. She's always there. She always sits there at night. She's so mad at me. She knew I'd be waiting for her. She knew I'd try to talk to her.

I slumped down against my window with my back to the wall beneath it. Pulling my knees up resting my elbows on them. I put my face in my hands.

She hates me.

I have no idea how long I sat there, just waiting. I'm not sure what I was waiting for, maybe to wake up and redo the day. Maybe to find Jes in my room for once, trying to make me talk. I don't know. If I just went over there, would her mom let me in? Would Jes have told her everything? She doesn't open up to people so maybe not. 

Its worth a shot, right?

I stood up and ran out of my room, back down the stairs, "Mom, I'm going to the Williams', I'll be back in a bit." I called out as I ran out the door. 

I stopped at her door and knocked, catching my breath. Ms. Williams answered the door. "Oh, Justin. I didn't think you'd be back from the studio." She smiled. Good, Jes didn't tell her anything.

"We were all too distracted to work." I smiled back. "Is Jes home?"

"Yes, she's in her room. Want me to ask her to come out?"

"Well, I'd like to go talk to her, if thats alright." I asked.

"Oh sure." Jennifer said, letting me in the door.

"Thanks." I smiled and went up the stairs to Jesika's room. I didn't even bother to knock. "Jes we need to talk." She glared up at me from her bed. She had her laptop open and someone was talking to her.

"Jes, who's that? Whats going on?" I heard a voice.

"Jes has to call you back." I said walking over to her bed and shutting her laptop, moving it to the side and sitting in front of her.

"What do you think you're doing? Didn't you say enough this morning?" She snapped at me.

"Jes, none of what I said is true. I didn't mean any of it." I looked straight in her eyes. "I knew the only way I could get Caitlin to stop was to tell her what she wanted to hear. You have no idea how bad that made me feel. It was awful Jes, and when I saw you, it broke my heart. I'm so sorry, what can I do to make it up to you?" She looked away from me and I took her hand. She looked down at it.

"Justin, if you have to lie to keep your relationships with people intact, I don't want to be a part of that." She said and I felt my heart shatter yet again.

"Jes, I won't anymore. I told Caitlin…"

"I know." She interrupted me and looked at me. "I heard you when Chaz and I walked down the steps. But it doesn't change anything." She pulled her hands away from me. "I think you should go."

"Jes, please." I begged her. "Don't do this, I thought we were all good this morning."

"Go." She said not looking at me.

I stood up from her bed and walked toward her door. "I really am sorry, and I'm not going to tell Caitlin you don't mean anything to me, because you do. She asked if I liked you and I told her no, but I'm not so sure of that answer." I walked out the door and shut it behind me. I walked down the stairs and Jennifer was there.

"Did you get everything sorted out with Jes?"

"Yes, I was just telling her about the time we were going to the park and what not. Thank you Ms. Williams."

"Please, you can call me Jen if you'd like." I nodded at her, then walked to the door. Ty was coming in as I went to open the door and he shook his head at me. 

"I warned you, Justin. I told you not to break her more, and thats just what you did. Congratulations, I hope you're happy, whatever you did." Ty growled at me. Not quite loud enough for Jen to hear, but loud enough to make me listen.

"Ty, I wasn't trying to."

"It happened though, and I hope she never forgives you." Ty said and held the door open for me to walk out. "Bye Justin." He said in a more cheery tone.

"Bye." I said and felt the door close behind me.

What have I done?